It’s been almost a year and a half since I have written anything on these pages. I have missed it greatly, but I have stayed away because of the things that drove me away to begin with.
For a long time, I wrote about myself and about my life in the various and sundry essays I posted here. I exposed myself and bore my soul to the readers who graced me with their presence, and I experienced a fair amount of healing in the process. There are those in my life who do not understand how that can be possible; people who do not write to begin with, let alone express their very being in their words. Anyway, I engaged in this soul baring, self exposing exercise in vulnerability naively, with the hope, and even the belief, that certain people, people who were specifically not welcome to this exposure would never stumble across the information contained here-in. I developed a false sense of security the more time that passed without incident, without revelation. I developed a small but great circle of people who read my words and offered their own words of encouragement and support, and the longer this went on, the more I allowed myself to believe that was how it would always be.
I was wrong.
One day something happened, an honest and true thing was said, which does not bear delving into now, but which instigated a conflict with someone, mostly, I suspect, out of that individuals defensiveness. Then a day or two later, something much worse happened, and one of those not welcome individuals found their way here and invaded the near Utopic space I had created for myself and blew it to smithereens, in part because that’s what this individual does and in part because I allowed it to happen
My life has changed a lot since the last time I wrote anything here; for the better ,I might add. And I’ve learned some important lessons in the process. I’ve tried to write about them in other places. I’ve tried to recreate some semblance of what I had here before, but nothing ever fit. Nothing felt right. Nothing else was “home”… Because this! is home. And so, after much consideration, and some mental struggle against myself, I have decided to return to the only place that felt like home and reclaim what was always mine in the first place. A few people may have driven me away for a time, but they could never take what was rightfully my own.
So here’s the biggest lesson I learned over the past fifteen months: Not everyone is going to like me, or what I have to say, 100% of the time. But that? That is not my problem! I don’t like everyone else 100% of the time. When I voluntarily expose myself to someone who I turn out not to like? I stop! Maybe some people aren’t as smart as I am. But I have learned that if I’m going to maintain a public website, I’m going to encounter people who don’t fit into my sweet little Utopia. Those people are not my problem. I can’t stop them from coming around, but I don’t have to engage with them, or in fact, even acknowledge them, either.
I also learned that I can’t let my displeasure for what I consider an unjust and inappropriate business practice stop me from doing what I love, and what I so desperately need to do. This is still my little world and I’m not walking away again.
So let’s just be plain for a moment. There are people who will read these words – people I can’t stop from reading these words, though I would like to – those people do not belong here and they know it. If they continue to come, that’s on them. They are not part of my Utopia. I’ll not engage with those people. If, over time, their ranks are increased, I’ll not engage with those new members of their club. But as the sole author and proprietor of this space, I have the right to say what I want (as long as I believe it to be truth) and manage the site as I want. These means I’ll continue to tell my stories as they come up and my stories will include the truth of who I am and what my experiences are or have been. It’s impossible to tell ones’s stories of themselves, without sharing details about the people who are, or were, around them. I never have, and never will, lie. I might misremember, but if I do, that’s not a lie, because I don’t know it’s not the truth. I will talk about my experiences and the people involved in them with truth and honor.
I’ll continue to moderate my comments, because I firmly and completely believe that is my right, just as I firmly and completely believe I have the right to refuse to publish any comment I think is offensive, or vitriolic. If someone has a differing opinion from mine and knows how to present it in a respectful and non-confrontational manner, I’ll gladly entertain a dialog with the community, within the comments. I won’t allow hatred or harshness and I won’t think twice of deleting a comment or banning a commenter (and that technology does exist), if their tone turns or they begin to abuse.
This is my space and I’ll manage it as I see fit. I won’t allow those who do not belong to drive me away again. The platform and the technology may not permit me to block anyone from stopping in, but that doesn’t mean I have to engage with, or cater to them. Anyone who is viewing these pages and doesn’t belong should stop. I can’t block them from the site, but they can certainly take measures into their own hands to end the cycle. Unsubscribe from the e-mails, delete the RSS feeds, stop their dirty little fingers from keying up the URL, whatever.
As for me, I’ll be living my life, and behaving as if those individuals don’t really exist, which means, no censoring, no coddling, and no responding. Anyone who doesn’t like it can fuck off.
I’m back! And I’m better than ever!