I wish I knew how to move on. I want to put the anger and resentment behind me. But when I think about what’s lost, what he’s taken from me, what can never be recovered, the one and only tool I know how to use to get passed the anger, I just don’t know what to do.
I feel so lost right now and I don’t know how to find myself again within the confines of my new limitations. And even if he made amends, it can never be right again. The damage has been done and can’t be fixed. After all these months, I should be able to move on, but I can’t. He took away the most important thing in my life, completely destroyed it, without hope of recovery. And now I’m broken and battered and unable to regain the peace and comfort I once knew.
Will I ever be able to recreate the safety and kinship I once had? I can’t imagine how. Instead I carry the full burden of what he’s wrought, secretly and without hope, because what he’s done can never be undone and I can never be whole, never be healed.
The words bubble to the surface over and over, roiling with sulfur and damnation, and I dare not utter them, lest all that I was taught be true. I’m supposed to love and forgive him, but how can I? How can I forgive his reckless and self-righteous actions, when they’ve torn me apart and he shows no semblance of remorse? How can I love him when I hate him so completely? He has ruined me and I can’t imagine how I’ll ever recover.