It’s amazing really how quickly and easily I can get wrapped up in my own head. I guess that’s the right way to put that. I’m not really sure.
I re-read yesterday’s post and I realized I didn’t really covey my sentiments as well as I would have liked and I wondered why. Do I not know what I’m feeling? I thought I did. Am I unable to articulate it? I know lots of words but sometimes I’m not as good as I think I am at stringing them together in the right way. Am I afraid to say what I really mean? Possibly, but if so why? And I think, really, that’s the answer.
For all the talk about how I keep this blog for me, and it’s my thoughts, and my commitment to honesty, and blah blah blah, I do find that as I – I’m going to contradict myself here – as I form connections with the very small handful of readers/commenters (there are a handful of people who only comment to me on Twitter) the more I think about these real people who will read my blog and what they will think when they do and then I start to sensor myself.
Part of my real life job, though not in my job description, is risk assessment. I spend a lot of time thinking about how actions will affect people, how they will react to them. I spend inordinate amounts of time planning for likely eventualities. And I’m good at it, which perhaps doesn’t come as much of a surprise.
My point is, that’s kind of where my head is most of the time; planning, softening blows, anticipating outcomes and reactions. So maybe when I’m writing, and I’m thinking about you and you and even you reading what I’m writing, maybe I’m getting too caught up in my head, thinking of all the ways you might react to what you read and how you might respond in your comments. Maybe I’m managing your expectations, your responses, in advance, somehow.
I made a commitment to being honest when I started this blog, and I can say that I have absolutely upheld that commitment, unless you want to split hairs and say that a lie of omission is still a lie. It’s true that everything I have said is true. It’s also true that I have not said certain things for fear of the reaction it would get. It is also true that I have… softened some of the things that I have said so as not to illicit pittying replies, or words of encouragement that won’t really hit the spot. (See, even as I write that paragraph, I fear how it will be received; that someone, somewhere, will think “well, fine! I just won’t try to encourage you at all anymore! Hmmmph!” and I’m not saying that. I guess the truth is, it’s not the encouragement that I want to avoid so much as the assumption I make in conjunction with that encouragement: that the person doing the encouraging now thinks I’m a pathetic, whinny looser.
So clearly, I need to work on getting out of my head. Spend less time worrying about what you all will think, and more time sorting out my thoughts and feelings and making them make sense in written word. I need to put more energy into “full confession” and less into “polite commentary”.
My commitment to you is that I will try.