Over It

I feel sick. I feel hopeless and alone, and sick. I feel worthless and unappreciated and unwanted.

I tried so hard, when I started this new job, not to get in my own way. I tried not to let my insecurities and doubts hold me back. I tried to make friends, to be sociable, to prove I had something to contribute to the organization and the community.

I tried to be open emotionally and intellectually.

I failed. In every way.

Well, not EVERY way. I was open emotionally. I opened myself up to being friends with people. I opened myself up to romance with The Guy. I made myself vulnerable.

And I fell flat on my face.

The Guy doesn’t want me. My sadness and my efforts to compensate for my ADD have left me isolated and unapproachable. No body talks to me anymore unless they need something from me. Nobody wants me around. I’m convinced my boss is planning to fire me. And I’ll have nothing left. No way of supporting myself. Nothing to live on. Nothing to live for.

I hate my life and I’m so sick of the fact that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I always end up back here.

I want to be dead.

I wish I had never been born.