Ungrateful

I’ve been thinking for days about what comes next.  That last post was kind of a show stopper.  Where does one go from there?

I didn’t look at WordPress again for a bit after writing that post.  I couldn’t really see any point.  I couldn’t bear to see how many, if any, people actually read those words; and I knew that some would.

I had intended to close comments on that post, but I apparently forgot, so when I did log back in and saw the responses I got I was surprised.  And then I needed time to mull it over.  I don’t really know how to respond, how to react.

You see, while the words of encouragement are appreciated, I can’t help not believing them.  There are only four people who have ever breathed the same air as I have and know this blog even exists.  Two of them can’t be bothered to read it.  One of them claims she doesn’t read it anymore since having a falling out a while back, and the fourth person has the attention span of a gnat.  If she does click the link she won’t see it through to its end.

I put a lot of myself into this blog and so I believe that those of you who do read, feel that you have some insight into me and that on some level you care…

Two people told me that I was wrong when I said I was “unloved”.  Given the context of the post and the tone of the comments, a person is left with an unspoken conclusion; the mind fills in the blanks:

 “I can only tell you that you are wrong about at least one thing and that is the fact that you are unloved. You’re wrong about that. You are loved.“

The implied sentiment is that I am loved by the commenter and by the following commenter who stated in reply:

“I second this…“

When I said that I was unloved, I was really talking about my childhood, not that things feel much different now.

It is not my intention to sound ungrateful, though I am sure I do, but simply that I can not understand how people I’ve never met face to face can love me.  Care about me?  Sure.  Feel sorry sympathy for me?  Fine.  “Love” your fellow human being?  OK.  But love me?  I just don’t see it.

And if that isn’t what was intended, then what is?  Because otherwise it just sounds empty and meaningless.  I know that wasn’t the intent, and I’m sorry…

I think this is not going where it was supposed to.  I’m not even sure I know where it was supposed to.  This doesn’t make any sense…

…But someone once told me, “never delete”.

So there you go.