I don’t really know where this is going to go. I really shouldn’t even be writing right now, but I can’t seem to focus on anything else so maybe this will help clear my mind.
I’m feeling so lost right now. So many things going through my mind and I don’t know how to sort it all out. I genuinely hate feeling this way.
My class ends next week. I have the final exam on Wednesday and I’m terribly afraid I’m going to fail. I don’t really have a lot of time to study and I’m kind of all studied out. Thursday I have a twelve-hour shift in the county trauma center as a part of the curriculum for my class and I have no idea what to expect from that. I’m sure it’ll be fine, but I’m terribly anxious right now thinking about it. I’m so ready for the whole thing to be over except I don’t really know what comes next and as long as I’m in class I don’t have to think about that.
I feel like everyone’s expectations, including my own, are too high and I’m not going to live up to them and that could be really embarrassing and hurtful, if I fall flat on my face.
Late one night last week, when no one was paying any attention (which is usually when I have – and post – my most pitiful, feeling-sorry-for-myself thoughts) I posted to Twitter, “I wish I could see what you see.” I only got one response to that, which really was one more than I wanted, but that one response was about the inches of snow on the person’s back patio. Definitely not what I meant.
I’ve made a lot of connections with people on the internet and those people all seem to like me. The thing is, I genuinely do not understand why. I just don’t see all the apparently good things they seem to see. I certainly don’t see the “sexy” guy some of them talk about, when I look in the mirror.
But those people are all on the internet, they’re not physical beings in my life and with a couple of exceptions, they’re all far away. Why is it that I can’t make connections with real people, one’s who don’t live in the box on my desk, or the slip of a screen in my hand? Why is it that I can’t connect with people who live near me?
I had lunch with, Lori, a friend from work, today and after the course of our conversation lead to how I spend holidays alone, she invited me to come to her family’s house in Modesto on Christmas Eve. It was a very generous offer which I sincerely appreciated but which I also declined. I told her that I feel like I’m intruding on other people’s family time that way and that Christmas is a particularly complicated day for me. I don’t enjoy being alone, but I don’t enjoy feeling like I don’t belong either.
Being alone has sort of become a recurring issue for me lately. I am really tired of being alone. But there are so many reasons why I am and I couldn’t even begin to guess at how to change them. It’s not just that I’m tired of being alone, but I’m tired of being… God, I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I can’t think of another way to put it… I’m tired of being single. I’m tired of not having anyone to share my day with and have conversation with and laugh with. I’m tired of going to bed alone every single night and waking up alone every single morning. I’m tired of coming home to an empty apartment and cooking dinner for one and cleaning up all by myself. I’m tired of having no one else to clean up for and putting it off because of it. I’m tired of feeling apathetic and lazy because I don’t have anyone to be accountable to or for. I’m tired of feeling lonely and unworthy and unwanted…
And I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself.