Dissatisfied

I can tell you now, you should probably skip this post.  I’m pretty sure it’s not going to say anything.  It will probably be fairly incoherent.  And that’s not a ploy to get you to compliment me or make encouraging comments; it’s just a simple fact.

I’ve been blocked for the last couple of weeks.  I’ve reached a point in my book, a development in the plot, which I knew had to happen in order to get to the next step, but I hadn’t thought through how it was going to go down.  It has to go down or the next thing that I have thought through can’t… ahem “go down” but I’m stuck, unsure how to write this part.  Several times now, I’ve sat down, plugged my thumb drive into the computer and pulled up the file and stared.  I’ve written a few words here and there, but for the most part I’ve just stared.

That blockage seems to have carried over into my blog writing as well.  I’ve been unsure how to – what to write about.  I’m blocked.  But, I’ve heard more than once that the best way to get over writers block is to just write, unconcerned about how it turns out.  So here I am.  Like I said, this will probably be fairly incoherent.

I’ve been in sort of a weird place, emotionally, especially today… more so today.  I’m not circling the volcano, exactly.  I don’t really feel as if the beast is catching up.  It’s just…  what?

It’s been five days since I was at work.  I had already taken Christmas Eve off and of course Christmas day was a holiday, but I ended up calling in sick on the 23^rd.  One of my co-workers came to work on the 22^nd sick and despite  endless grousing and curmudgeonly behavior in the recent past when a third co-worker came to work sick and shared germs, the first co-worker decided to come to work despite having a rasping, rattling cough and profusely leaking proboscis in need of constant evacuation and then proceeded to wander far and wide through our small and enclosed office suite ensuring maximum distribution of whatever plague (or common cold) germs she happened to be in possession of.  Perhaps it was her germerosity, or perhaps it was my own curmudgeonliness at the fact that she came to work in said condition, or perhaps it was my stress level set to orange with the knowledge that I had a jury duty summons for the 23^rd that I wouldn’t know if I had to appear for until late on the 22^nd, or perhaps it was my pure and simple irritation (despite trying to not be) at the fact that she brought these germs into our tiny office space to begin with, despite her own feelings on the issue and despite knowing that I am to be going out of town on the 31^st (because it is all about me, after all) and that I would definitely not want to be sick for that trip, but I did indeed get sick and I didn’t come to work on the last day before my Christmas break and I blame it all on this co-worker and if you actually followed this little tirade you deserve some sort of a prize.  I’d offer  you some of the brownies I made last week but, well, they’re gone and they were probably plague ridden anyway.

I had big “plans” for my long holiday week-end.  Those plans involved dinner with Michelle on Thursday night (she baled on me because no one gets sicker longer than I do except for Michelle and she’s going with me on the 31^st and didn’t want to catch my affliction as well – though she did stop by and bring me a piece of fish and my Christmas present) and hours and hours and days and days of house cleaning.  The Christmas present that Michelle brought me was Mario Kart for my Wii.  Some of you may think that sounds a bit childish  for this 30-something guy, but trust me when I tell you it’s AWESOME!!!  To be fair, I didn’t even spend all that much time playing it – all though there were two ridiculously late nights…

As for the cleaning, I did get a little bit done.  I finally went through one stack of papers and filed what should be and tossed what should be and now there’s another section of living room floor that is visible and therefore available to get dusty and cat hairy and if I’m very, very unlucky, barfed on (by the cat, not me.)  I wanted to get the cleaning done because while it’s apparently not that important for me to live in an immaculate home, it is that important for the outside world to think I do and very soon, my downstairs neighbor, who I don’t really even know all that well, but trust enough for this purpose, will be coming into my house twice a day for a few days to look after Mischa for me  whilst Michelle and I take a very short, very under funded road trip to Reno for New Year’s and I want the neighbor to think I live like a prince rather than a pauper.  It’s looking like the pauper is the more likely impression.

So, I’m feeling a little – AH HAH!  Dissatisfied is the word I need here!  I’m feeling dissatisfied, in part, because my house isn’t immaculate and spotless like I wanted to make it, even though I truly didn’t want to exert the energy to make it that way, especially once I became cursed with the scourge from work and instead watched just about everything on my DVR and then some (I’ve finished all the Scrubs DVD’s I own and need to buy the next season – season four – and have watched a couple movies as well.)  So I feel dissatisfied because at the end of five days I have very little productivity to show for myself and still want my house to be cleaner.

During those five days, I never once looked at Google Reader and therefore didn’t read any blogs.  If my feeling of “dissatisfaction” this morning is any indication, that may be a good thing.  You see, I read all the blog posts I had missed the last five days, this morning, and I must say that I’m just ever so thrilled for all you lovely people who had a wonderful time with lots of wonderful family and food and presents and drinking and fun while I sat alone with my cat in my cold apartment feel sorry for myself (only a little, honestly) and watching the house not getting any cleaner. Only now, I’m feeling all that loneliness that I would have thought I would have felt this week-end and my feeling of “dissatisfaction” is growing.

Of course, I jest!  I really am pleased that so many people have love and support and kindness and happiness in their lives at this time of year.  I wouldn’t wish for anyone not to have it.  I know from first hand experience how much it sucks.  But you see, I can’t help it, it makes me sad that I don’t.  Sure, I have family, but in a way, that’s worse because, well, here is the sum total of my interaction with my family this holiday…

* Called my sister to get input on gifts for her children.  She didn’t answer the phone.

* Called my sister again an hour later because she didn’t return my call.  She got my message, just hadn’t called back yet.  The message said I was at the store and sooner, rather than later, would be best.

* On Christmas Eve, I saw the little pop-up icon telling me that my father had just signed into MSN Messenger.  He didn’t actually try to talk to me (and no, I didn’t try either.)

* At 5:34 AM on Christmas day, I received text messages (pictures) from my mother to show me the eight inches of snow that had fallen on her house the night before.

* And then… Oh!  No, THAT’S ALL.  No cards, no calls, no gifts, no “wish you were here”’s, nothing!

This is a catch 22 situation.  My family is miserable on holiday’s and I made up my mind several years ago that I was never going to spend Christmas with them again, and I honestly don’t regret that choice, it’s just that when you are absolutely and completely, 100% alone (Sorry, Mischa, you don’t count) on Christmas, it really sucks.  And when you are absolutely, and completely, 100% alone (Sorry, Mischa, you still don’t count) on Christmas and reading about other people having a loving, wonderful time It sucks times a bazillion!

So let’s quickly recap.  Really am not mad at any of my on-line or real world friends who had good, happy, wonderful Christmases, at all.  Really am feeling sorry for myself as I lie in a bed of my own making… somewhat.

Anyway, this is another short week at work.  I have nothing to do and it’s really unpleasant being here as it becomes more and more evident every day that we all hate each other and that nothing good is ever going to come of this place, but it’s what I have to do to collect that oh so wonderful, never goes far enough, paycheck at the end of the week.

Wednesday, after work, Michelle and I go to pick up a rental SUV since somebody (that’d be me) went and traded in their SUV a month ago and then on Thursday, I have another vacation day and we are heading up the  mountains and spending New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day in Reno. We return on the second (Saturday) so I can see Lil’B on Sunday.  Just a short jaunt there and back and I’m really looking forward too it, except that I really can’t afford it.  The hotel is paid for but there’s still the price of the rental car and the gas and food for the couple of days, plus any “entertainment” money I might like to have.

This is another reason for my “dissatisfied” feelings right now.  It seems every year around this time, I find myself in a financial pickle.  Over committed and under funded with no way out but through and the through sucks a lot!

Well, I don’t know if this really got my creative juices flowing or not, but after 1731 words I guess I should stop ranting for today.

If you’re very, very lucky, maybe there’ll be more of the same tomorrow.  And if you’re very, very lucky in a non-sarcastic way (and if I’m very, very lucky as well) maybe tomorrow will hold something better!