Sometimes Everything Goes Wrong at Once

The Guy’s birthday is coming up. I bought him a card more than a month ago… When I thought things were just rough but we’d eek out a friendship that was workable. (When I thought he was still interested and his hateful and utterly hurtful rejection was just another part of his fear and that he didn’t really mean the things he said. When I thought we would find a way through all this horrible bullshit.)

The Guy forgot my birthday, which is not surprising, given that he’d known me for about five minutes and probably wasn’t fully engaged at the time that I mentioned it to him and The Chatterbox, the only two people in the office that I mentioned it too. That should have been a sign in itself, I think! When you care about someone, you remember these kinds of significant details, even if you have to sneak away and plug it into your iPhone to remember later… Like I did when I found out The Guy’s birthday.

I told him it was alright that he forgot, and I meant it. I meant it because we HAD just barely met. I meant it because my family never made a big deal out of birthdays and all I really need is for it to not go unnoticed. I don’t need to have a big production made about it. And this year, like every other year of my pathetic, miserable existence on this horrid little planet (since I moved to California, that is) Michelle and I went to dinner and my Birthday did not go unnoticed.

That night, via text I told him “It came out after you left that you and Chatterbox both forgot something significant today and that you two were the only ones who knew…😏”

I reminded him it was my birthday and be said, “OMG! I am SSSOO sorry… How did we forget that?!” Of course, now I don’t believe him, but even giving him the benefit of the doubt, he is Jahova’s Witness. It’s really not all that surprising that he forgot.

“It’s fine. I’m just harassing you.” I said.

He responded with, “No, that’s not fine… You would never have forgotten mine!”

The problem is, he’s right. I would never have forgotten. I didn’t forgotten. There are just a few days left until The Guy’s birthday and I have not forgotten. I just wish I could. (I wish I had never met him in the first place). The card is still sitting on my bookshelf; a constant reminder of what I lost, what I thought I had to look forward to, what I will never have. I’ve kept the card all this time in the hopes that when this time came we would have found ourselves in some sort of amicable friend-like state that would have made my slightly sexualized but humorous card funny and appropriate. Now I just hope there will be a party and I will be invited so I can say, “Nope. Not interested,” because, apparently I really am that shallow and spiteful… A fact that should probably come as a surprise to exactly none of the people who read it.

In the end, that son-of-a-bitch pretty much single handedly annihilated all that was good and positive in my life and I hate him for it. (I don’t hate him, I just REALLY want to.)

Thanks to the way he took advantage of me (physically) and tricked me (emotionally) I have been in one of the deepest depressions I have ever experienced in my life.

All my so called friends have abandoned and judged me, not to be heard from in months.

I’ve lost whatever trumped up bit of confidence I had in myself, particularly in the workplace. I can’t focus on my work ever because the environment is unbearable to the ADD mind, And now my boss has made it clear that unless I correct some intangible, undefined bit of behavior that I don’t know what is, she will fire me within 30-60 days even though she has “no problem with [my] work”. And the only thing I can figure is that there’s some bit of my utterly despondent, semi-suicidal frame of mind that is coming through my deliberately neutralized communications. Only, she flat out refuses to explain anything or give me any examples, which makes it sound like more of a personal issue on her end than anything related my “attitude” on mine. This job is just not going to work out and I’ve got to get as far away from it and all the people who work around me as I can as fast as I can… Especially THE GUY!!