I grew up in a family and a world full of abuse: some violent, some physical, mostly emotional, all horrific. I never learned how to care for myself in that world and was constantly subject to the whims and mood swings of my abusers, be they family or school mates or even the occasional teacher. Because of this, or maybe in addition to it, I was cripplingly clinically depressed for most of my life.
Almost four years ago, I started blogging. I didn’t really know what would come of it and it was hard at times, because the truth is, I don’t know how to censor myself or not be open and honest in my writing. This is a good thing since I’m not really capable of being completely open and honest in my face to face communications. I’m constantly censoring myself and holding back. As it turned out, blogging was very therapeutic for me. Where I’m not any good at developing relationships in the real world, I’m good at dealing with people on-line. While I’m not able to cultivate friendships face to face, people on-line and in the blogging community are very nice, friendly, supportive people. Obviously, that’s all about the circles in which one travels, but I managed to develop some good circles; surround myself with good, decent, honest, caring people… Or so I thought.
I let my guard down. I began to trust people; something I’ve never done easily. I couldn’t trust my own family, why would I trust outsiders? But this blog and the people who have been around it showed me that there are people out there one can trust… Or so I thought.
But I got complacent. And now this safe little world of mine has been invaded. Now, now that my blog has really gotten a good readership. Now that there are actually people who like me and want to read my words. Now there are people who feel it’s appropriate to stalk and terrorize me. People who think that just because this is a “public website” they have the right to force their way in. People who think that they have the right to treat me like shit, just because they don’t like something I wrote on MY blog. People who relish taking the control over my life away from me.
I have taken the rational, reasonable measures I can take to put a stop to these activities, but unfortunately, the mechanism does not exist in this world for me to protect myself and my rights.
So I have to take drastic measures.
I have to take myself, out of this world.