I had this brilliant post formulated in my head for today, but I kept putting off writing it for no good reason whatsoever, and now I can not really remember exactly how it was going to go because I am just so tired, which is ironic (I think – unless it is not ironic but merely a coincidence – I am not really sure I know how to use the word ironic properly) because the post was going to be about how I am so tired.
I do not even mean physically tired, although I absolutely am that! I am mentally tired; exhausted might even be the right word. I am not even sure what to say. Things have just been taking their toll on me.
The last time I attempted to go back to school, in 2002, I ended up in the deepest depression I have ever experienced. I felt like I was under so much pressure and that there was so much for me to do with not enough time to get it all done. When I started thinking about going back to school this time around I had very real concerns about whether this would happen again. To be fair my depression was essentially undiagnosed at the time and I wasn’t under any sort of treatment for it. These things are different now.
I went into this round of adult education with my eyes as wide open as I could make them and I have been very watchful and alert to the potential pit falls and road blocks I might encounter. There have been many, sadly, and I’ve been very fastidious in my efforts at managing the situation, but recent weeks have brought many challenges.
My last post really stirred some things up inside me; more than I would have expected. And now, on top of everything else, my emotions are — I was going to say that they are out of whack, but maybe they are in whack for the first time in a while, I don’t know. I know it is new and that I am struggling to deal with it and I do not much like it. I feel like one big raw nerve, not so much irritable, though I am irritated with some things, more so…
I said in my last post that I do not cry. By and large, that is true, although I did well up a little when I reread the post after my awesomest and most loyal reader commented that, “Maybe you don’t cry… but I do, and I am.” I feel like I could cry. I feel like I should cry. I feel like I need to cry and maybe if I did, I would feel so much better… But I do not and I do not know why.
There is a lot going on inside me that is taking its toll and there is a lot going on around me, things that are completely outside of my control, that are just rubbing my one big raw nerve all the more raw-er.
I’m not sleeping because…
Because I’m not going to bed, honestly. I don’t have any problem sleeping once I go to bed, it is the getting to bed that is the problem. So much to do and not enough time to do it all and almost like a child, I am afraid I will miss something if I go to bed. Only instead of being afraid I’ll miss some experience or some fun activity, I am afraid I will not get “it” all done. I’m afraid I’ll miss something.
And then I do go to bed, much later than I should have, and I sleep soundly, as far as I can tell, and when the alarm(s) go off in the morning, it is all I can do to drag myself out of bed and into the bathroom to get ready for work and then I am late for work (more so than we are all already accustomed too) and then I have to stay later and then I’m later getting home and the whole cycle starts again. And so, yes, I am also physically exhausted.
Maybe the physical exhaustion is contributing to the mental exhaustion. Maybe the mental exhaustion is contribibuting to the physical exhaustion. Maybe it is the chicken and the egg scenario.
I know it is temporary. I know I will get through this, just like I always do. I know that the class will end and I will have fewer stressors and things will get back to normal, such as normal was.
But Lord, I could use a nap!