Finally!!

By this time, it should be no surprise to you that I’ve been fat my entire life, unless of course, you’ve never read this blog before, in which case… I’ve been fat my entire life.  This, by the way, is not going to be a self-pitying, feel sorry for me post.  The fact that I’ve been fat my entire life is just that, a statement of fact.

Anyway, over the years, I have tried on more than one occasion to lose the weight and be skinny and sexy.  Over the years, I have failed repeatedly.  I can blame this on any number of factors, but the basic factors are as follows:

A)  I lacked will power and eventually got tired of depriving myself of anything and everything good and I broke and gorged; and

2)  I was trying to get skinny and sexy.  Two things I may never be able to achieve.

It is also not news by now, unless this is still your first time to this site, that I’m making an effort to change my life and be healthier.  This time around I’m focusing on eating healthfully, but mostly being cognizant of what I’m eating when I’m eating.  In other words, I may still have a piece of cheesecake (or four) around my birthday (Oh wait, that’s a post I never wrote – it was my birthday last Saturday and the end result of that day was four pieces of Cheesecake Factory cheesecake coming home with me (I can never decide) and being eaten over the course of three days) but at least I’m paying attention to what I’m doing, I’m allowing myself the indulgence and I’m moving on.  Most of the time, I eat healthfully and therefor, I do not feel guilty when indulging in something less healthful.  Anyway, this time around I’m focusing on eating healthfully and getting regular exercise.

In fact, I don’t even feel like it’s right to say, “this time around” because this isn’t a temporary situation.  I’ve made the decision to live my life in a more healthy manner and this is something I’ll be doing for the rest of my days.  I’m not worrying about what I look like (not that I don’t have a secret desire) or how much I weigh (although, as a fat person, losing weight has been and will continue to be a side effect of being more healthy) I’m just working to live a healthier lifestyle and let the chips fall where they may.

I’m getting a little off track.  Course correction now engaged…

I’ve been seeing the same doctor for at least five years now, probably longer.  My doctor is pretty cool for the most part.  I mean he’s a Doctor and I’m not looking to go out for drinks after our appointment or anything like that, but as far as Doctors go, he doesn’t scare me or make me feel anxious and that’s really saying something because I’ve always hated going to the doctor.  The biggest complaint I have about my Doctor is that every time I would go in to see him he’d ask me about my weight and why it was so high.  I’d give him some kind of answer to placate him and try to avoid really discussing it with him because I wasn’t really ready to do anything about it, let alone do the right thing about it.  Even though I didn’t dislike my Doctor like I have  disliked most Doctors over the years, I still always sort of dreaded going to see him because I knew this conversation was unavoidable.

About four years ago, I started The Abs Diet and lost 30-40 pounds.  I went out of town for nearly two weeks to visit my Aunt and Uncle and help plan and execute my Grandfather’s 90th birthday party.  During that time, I managed to eat fairly healthfully, but I didn’t exercise once the entire time.  I had an appointment with my Doctor right after I got back, though now I have no recollection of the reason why.  I sat on the table in the exam room waiting for him to come in, and feeling somewhat enthusiastic because I just knew my Doctor was going to come in and comment on the fact that I’ve lost weight and encourage me to keep it up.

When he finally did enter the exam room, he was all business (which he always is) and went straight to work addressing whatever my issue was at the time .  The good news is, he didn’t say anything about my weight.  The bad news is, he didn’t say anything about my weight.  Anything. I was so disappointed and while it would be inaccurate to say that “it’s his fault I gained it all back”, that’s how I felt for a long time.  I had done the diet, in part, to satisfy him and he didn’t even seem to notice.  (This, by the way, was an entirely wrong reason to do the diet.)  After that  I never got back to the gym and my dedication to the diet waned greatly to the point of hardly following it at all.  Eventually, I canceled my account because it was stupid to be paying for access to something I wasn’t even using.

Over the three or more years that followed, I gained back every pound I had lost and then some, culminating in the condition I was in when I started this blog, weighing 309 pounds, never exercising and being in a lot of denial about what I looked like and what my condition really was.

About a year ago, I decided that I wasn’t happy being so over weight.  I decided I needed to do something about it.  I wasn’t fully convinced yet, but I was working on it.  I started paying attention to what I was eating.  A lot of that time was spent paying attention to how bad the things I was eating were, while I continued to eat them, but I firmly believe that’s an important first step.  If you’re not being honest with yourself about your eating you won’t be able to change it.  OK, I’m getting off track again.

Anyway, a few months later, I began seriously considering a career change.  I’m still considering it and I don’t know if it’s going to be realistically feasible or not.  But I’m thinking of becoming an EMT.  (Clearly this part of this post is for you newbies who have never read this blog before – and my guess is there aren’t any of you reading this.  Oh well.)  I realized that I couldn’t physically do the job and that if I was serious about becoming an EMT I was going to have to make some serious changes in my life to be able to physically do the job.  What I realize now is, whether I change careers or not, whether I become an EMT or not, I don’t ever want to be held back by my physical ability again.

When I started, a year ago, just being cognizant of what I was eating, I lost 10-15 pounds.  When I went to take care of my mother, for two weeks, after her by-pass surgery and ate many of my meals (healthy ones) with her, (but still sometimes eating junk when not with her) I lost another 10 pounds, all from paying attention to what I was eating.  But by then I was beginning to be more thoughtful of my choices and deliberately choosing healthier fare.  Once I made up my mind that I wanted to be healthier physically, I joined a gym and I began really trying to plan my meals and eat better.

I am now, once again using The Abs Diet but not because I’m “on a diet”.  I’m using it because for a relatively nominal fee, I get a preplanned menu with good food (and the ability to swap out anything I don’t want), a prepared shopping list for that menu, a preplanned work-out routine for the gym and a mechanism for tracking my progress.  It takes all the guesswork out of it for me and I like that!  Using this program for guidance, but not adhering religiously to the letter of the law on it, I am, as of this morning, down to 255 pounds – which, by the way, is just one pound over what I weighed the day I sat in the Doctors office waiting for him to congratulate me only to have him not say a word.

What’s the point of all this?  Well, I’ll tell you.  I had a Doctors appointment this morning.  Nothing major.  I pulled something several weeks ago, while on the stationary bike at the gym.  I thought it would go away on it’s own, but it hasn’t and it’s preventing me from being able to stretch properly, which in turn is making it harder for me to follow through on my running endeavor.

I sat on the bed in the exam room for just a couple short minutes while I waited for the Doctor to come in and the minute he walked in the door, the very first words out of his mouth were, “Well, you’ve lost a significant amount of weight!”

Yes!  Yes, I have!  It’s about damn time you noticed!!!

Anti-Climactic

I’m sitting here, briefly catching up on Twitter before I finish up my final this-must-be-done-today-because-it’s-for-tomorrow-morning task of the day because clearly my priorities are firmly planted right where they should be… ahem.  Anyway, I’m giving it all a quick once over when I see this from my local ABC News Affiliate:

Sounds pretty exciting, right?  I like airplanes.  Love to fly.  Once upon a time I thought I might like to be a flight attendant except I was always too fat and for many years, until I learned the secret, I experienced severe pain in my ears during descent.

Still the story sounded pretty exciting and we all know I thrill for disaster and mayhem (thought it may come as a surprise that I like near misses even better!)  So I clicked the link and looked at the story and didn’t even get past the first sentence before I was disappointed with the anti-climactic story.  Well not so much the story as the billing for the story:

I mean, really.  It’s great that the flight landed safely and all that.  Really!  I wouldn’t want it any other way, but for crying out loud, it might as well have read, “Pilot subs for other Pilot.  Plane lands.  The end.”

~~~~~

This has been a day for Anti-climactic-ism.

Earlier today, Michelle popped up on my computer screen on Yahoo! Messenger saying:

Michelle: OMG guess what?
Me: You won the lottery and you’re taking me away from all this?
Michelle: Oh I wish.
Michelle: Nope.  I’m munching on pistachios and I like it. 🙂
me: Wow that was REALLY anti-climactic.
me: 🙂
me: also, “Hope your boyfriend don’t mind it…”
Michelle:  😦 really?  I didn’t think so.  LOL.  What boyfriend?
me: “I’m munching pistachios and I like it, hope my boyfriend don’t mind it.”
Michelle: aaaaaahhh.

She’s kind of slow sometimes with my humor.

~~~~~

And speaking of Anti-climactic?  yeah, that’s all I’ve got for you today.  Kind of Anti-climactic, huh?

2

This day has nearly slipped past me. It certainly snuck up on me. So as a result, there’s no preamble, no build up, we’re just here. Today is my two year blogiversary. Two years ago, today, I began documenting my not very interesting life on-line, for all the world to see.

I tried to think of some spectacular and moving way to commemorate this day and sadly, nothing has come to mind. It is, after all, just a second anniversary. It’s not as if it’s a true milestone or anything, but still, anniversaries exist for a reason, right?

According to a website I looked at this morning, the second anniversary is the “cotton” anniversary. This seems kismitly appropriate, (I like making up words, in case you haven’t noticed) as I’ve lost substantial enough weight now, that officially none of my clothes fit me right. Ironically, I do, of course, have the small supply of these-don’t-fit-right-now-but-someday-when-I-lose-weight-they-will clothes and I haven’t yet shrunk into those clothes, but in the meantime all of my oh-my-God-how-did-I-get-to-be-such-a-fat-ass clothes are too big and need to be replaced.

Actually, this website lists both “traditional” and “modern” anniversary gifts and the “modern” gift is china, but really, what am I going to do with china? I live alone, and have no storage for china. My porcelain plates are just fine and I certainly can’t wear china to work so we’re going to go with the cotton idea.

So, for my second blogiversary (see made up words) in lieu of donations, I’ll accept clothing items and gift cards for clothing items (I’m not sure I’m getting that concept right) which can be sent to me directly. PO Box 12345, Yeah Rightsville, CA 12345.

Thanks very much! And here’s to another 365 days!

The Stow Away

One of the recipes that my new diet program gives me is called the “Guac and Roll”. It’s essentially Tuna salad made with guacamole instead of so much mayonnaise. Tuna, guacamole, a small amount of non-fat mayo, some tomato, lemon juice and a sprinkling of ground flaxseed (for digestion I think – but to be honest I’m not sure) and served on a “small whole wheat hoagie roll”, thus the “guac” and “roll”. Get it? It’s clever, right. It’s clev– No? Hmmm. OK. Anyway…

I’m not sure what constitutes a “small” hoagie roll, but where I have shopped I’ve only ever been able to find one size of hoagie roll, so we go with it.

Three times now I’ve made this sandwich and every time I’ve just used half an avocado mashed up and mixed with some salsa to make the guacamole and then made the rest of the Tuna Salad. I admit the first time I had it, I was a bit leery, but it tasted quite good. It’s a nice alternative to traditional, mayo-laden tuna salad.

This week-end, while doing my grocery shopping, I decided to go ahead and buy some prepared guacamole. The sandwich comes up frequently enough, and I thought the guacamole would keep for a little while so why not.

It wasn’t until I got it home and pulled the seal off that I noticed that the label says “Guacamole Dip”. It’s a bit on the thin side, but no matter, it’s what I’ve got, it’ll do.

It wasn’t until I’d already plopped a hefty dollop of the stuff in the mixing bowl with the tuna that I noticed it says Sell by May 18th on it. (Normally, I’d have taken it back, but I bought it at a ghetto grocery store near Michelle’s house – 18 miles away – and won’t get the chance, so I tossed it.) I debated for a minute, but ultimately decided it would be OK and I continued to prepare the salad.

Today, as I was gathering my things for lunch, I pulled the food storage container with the Guac out of the refrigerator in order to put it on the Roll. I opened the container and while nothing jumped out at me, it didn’t exactly smell good. I looked at it again. It’s awfully thin. It’s going to ooze all over if I try to eat it on that hoagie roll…

I made up my mind and as I was walking by K’s desk to go buy some lunch I told her, “I’m afraid of my lunch, so I’m going to get something to eat.”

I found myself across the street at the bakery/café where I found a ham and cheese Panini. It was actually pretty good so I guess alls well that ends well.

Something else seems to have fallen into the bag too, though…

A New Kind of Passive/Aggressive

This post, is, more than anything else, a test to see if I can work with some restrictions I’m experiencing with my work computer and WordPress. It seems that there’s some sort of technological problem that is over my head between the work computer system and WordPress.com’s website that has disabled many of the functions of my blog, including the Visual Basic editor for composing new posts.

I do not know the first thing about HTML, which is the only option that is available to me. I’m hoping this is a temporary problem but I first became aware of it on Friday. I thought the problem was fixed because when I got home and looked at my blog on my laptop, everything was fine. Now sitting at my computer at work and seeing the problems still exist I look at my blog on my iPhone and see that it looks right there, which means, this is a selective problem I do not know how to fix or even who to talk to about.

So now I want to know, if I write a post in Microsoft Word and copy and paste it into the HTML editor, will I be able to properly post blog entries in spite of the malfunction I’m experiencing.

I had no idea that a computer could be passive/aggressive. Then again, given the company I work for and the people who work there, I guess I shouldn’t really be surprised!

On Donuts and Fluff and Stuff

Well, I can’t put it off any longer.  I’ve procrastinated and procrastinated and put it off and put it off and repeated myself and repeated myself and been just a little bit redundant and then did it again.  Long enough!  It’s time I wrote a blog post.  Only… I’m not sure what to write about.

It seems as if posting only on Fridays is my new thing.  I need to get a new, new thing.  Only posting on Friday’s isn’t good enough.  I was reading some blog posts in my Google reader and I got to this post on Jennsylvania where Jenn Lancaster talks about being out of practice with blogging.  It seems funny for her to say that because she is, after all, a very successful, multiple times published writer of books, but I can tell you from my own limited, first-hand knowledge that writing books and writing blog posts is so not the same thing.  Anyway, in the posts she says:

I hate when I get out of the habit of writing because it takes such effort to get back into the swing of things.  I always tell budding authors that the best way to be a writer is to write; the ability to write is a muscle and it’s got to be worked daily.  Presently my writing muscles are flabby and weak, chugging along at two point five miles an hour on a treadmill with no incline.

Worked daily…  Gosh, I can’t even seem to manage to work it weekly at this point and that frustrates me because I really do love to write and I want to be able to do it more but finding the time is a real hassle.

There’s another blog I like to read, another blogger who has become a published writer of book.  One thing has always stood out to me about his blog.  I remember reading in one of his posts once that it takes him 15-20 minutes to write his blog posts, “these things practically write themselves” he said.  My blog posts don’t write themselves and they take a lot more than 15 minutes to write.  I’m not saying that to draw a comparison between us, either.  There is a valid reason behind it, because the truth is, it takes on average two hours to write one of my blog posts.  Maybe that’s because I don’t do it daily, or maybe it’s because I don’t know how to be brief or maybe it’s because the things I write about can’t be short and simple, I don’t know.  I just know that lately, sometimes when I’ve thought, “maybe I’ll write a blog posts now”, I’ve then looked at the clock, realized it was after 4:00 and remembered my determination not to stay at the office until 7:00 and decided not to write.

I have given some thought, on more than one occasion, to undertaking something called NaBloPoMo, National Blog Posting Month.  It’s sponsored by the same people who do the National Novel Writing Month program in November that I abandoned you all for last year, only NaBloPoMo isn’t a specific, designated month… I don’t think.  Honestly, I haven’t researched it, I’ve just heard other people talk about it.  But really?  A post a day for 30 days?  I couldn’t possibly commit to that.  I barely touch a computer on the week-ends and I don’t have time for writing in the evenings.  I’m much to busy with food prep, clothes ironing and vegetating in front of the television!

And besides (or maybe it’s because), I spend all day on the computer at work and a good portion of that time is spent dealing with my own personal interests, it hardly seems worthwhile to think about it when I’m at home.

Things haven’t really changed much since my last post as far as feeling overloaded and not being able to get anything done.  I’m frustrated because there is so much I want to accomplish, both professionally and personally and it feels humanly impossible to get much of it done, let alone all of it.

Boy this really isn’t going in the direction I would have liked it to go…  I spend too much time on this blog talking about all the things I wish could be, or all the time I do not have.  What a bummer.  That’s not my intention.  I’m not sure why I have such a hard time writing fluffier stuff… I guess I’m just not a fluffy person right now.  Maybe some day I will be.  Maybe you can stick around and find out?

~~~~~~~~~

Here’s something fluffy, sort of.  Today is National Donut Day.  No kidding.  If you don’t believe me look it up.  Then again, if you’re reading this, you’re clearly familiar with the internet and with some level of social media and you must already know that today is National Donut Day.  Dunkin Donuts, Krispee Kreme’s and Tim Horton’s are all giving away free donuts today in honor of National Donut Day, or so I read on-line.

Today is also Friday, so it’s Another-Friday-At-Riggledo’s-Job-Where-The-Boss-Always-Brings-In-Donuts-On-Friday Day.  It’s really not as exciting as it sounds.  And if you’re anything like me, it doesn’t sound very exciting to begin with.  Anyway, I walked into the office today, and sure enough, there was the giant pink box filled with sugary, glazed goodness that I try so hard to ignore and pretend isn’t’ there and isn’t calling out to me, only today is National Donut Day and what kind of red-blooded American would I be if I didn’t celebrate a national holiday?  Six times.  Serioulsy!  SIX.  TIMES.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go lie down now.  The sugar coma is taking over.