The song says, “Gotta put it all behind you, ‘cause life goes on.” My response was, “’Life goes on?’ What life? I struggle a lot with this one and it’s actually prompted what will probably be tomorrow’s post if I can get it together in time,” and then I mulled it over for a while. Obviously, it wasn’t “tomorrow’s” post, but it is next so close enough. I decided to conduct a little interview with you, the reader. There were a few questions I wanted to ask in an effort to gain a better understanding, to try and change my own perspective about this thought, “Life goes on.”
Five specific questions came to mind. What gets you out of bed in the morning? What do you believe is your purpose in life? What is your reason for living? What do you live for? What keeps you going? I wanted to ask these questions of my readers, but I wanted to ask them without having to answer them myself. So I mulled some more.
I realized that if I posted this list of questions without delving into it myself, people would make some assumptions about what’s behind the questions. People would, perhaps not so much answer the questions as try to offer me encouragement, or solutions, or hope against whatever they presumed my motivation for asking might have been. But here’s the thing. I’m not sure I know the answers to the questions for myself and that’s the reason I’m asking.
Yes, I want to compare myself to your answers, but I don’t want to compare myself to your answers. That sentence, of course, makes no sense to anyone but me. See, a very stereotypical depressive behavior is comparing oneself: Oh, he’s better looking than I am. She makes more money than I do. I wish my hair looked like his. And all that does is lead to a more and more harmful image of oneself and reinforce the negativity in their already troubled mind. That is not what I’m trying to do here.
I thought about these questions and what my own answers might be and perhaps I’ll share them later. I don’t want to share them now, because I don’t want my answers to influence yours and I don’t want to reinforce your potential need to “encourage” me. That’s not what I’m looking for here.
The truth is I’ve been feeling a little better in some respects the last few days and I realized, sometime last night or this morning, what I believe is the reason why. It is difficult to explain. See, depression, among many other ugly little problems, is the lack of hope – wait… No it’s not. Depression is a sense of hopelessness… It doesn’t seem like there is much of a difference, but there must be… I’ve lived most of my life with a sense of hopelessness, and yet, I always had hope. I always hoped for more, for something better. I always believed that things had to get better. The thing is that all that hope and all that believing there is something better, has just let me down over and over again. And now, I don’t really have any hope for things to get better. I don’t really believe that it will get any better than this and I don’t really feel hopeless exactly.
What I realized last night or this morning is that I’ve stopped “planning” and, I suppose on some level, started “accepting”. I’ve stopped thinking about what life is going to be like “when such and such happens”. I suppose in a way that kind of planning is the same as comparing; comparing my life now, to this vision of what my life could be if… It seems like that is a good thing, and yet, without planning, I’m not sure what I’m aiming for.
Anyway, I decided to ask these questions of you because I wanted to get another perspective, to get out of my own head a little, and maybe get a better glimpse at reality.
And I’ll admit that there is another, ulterior motive that plays a small part, a very small part. There are still a lot more people reading this blog than ever actually comment on it. And that’s fine. I don’t comment on every single blog post I read. Sometimes I think I should, but I don’t always have anything to say, or feel like I have anything to say that really adds value to what I’ve just read.
But I’m asking, if you’re reading this post, if you’ve gotten this far, please answer the questions, even if you never have and never will again comment on my blog. If you don’t feel comfortable answering the questions in a comment, then please, send them to me in an e-mail to Riggledo at gmail dot com. I promise to keep it confidential.
So the questions are:
What gets you out of bed in the morning? (Not your alarm, but your motivation.)
What do you believe is your purpose in life? What is your reason for living?
What do you live for? What keeps you going?
I know that many of you would answer “My kids” to at least one of those questions and I’m not suggesting that kids aren’t a valid answer, but kids are secondary. Kids come later in life, by choice (usually) and, well… “Kids” is just too easy an answer. I’m asking you to dig deeper than that. I want to know what it is about your life that makes life worthwhile for you, not for someone else.
I also know that these questions kind of point to each other so don’t feel like you have to give me a hundred word essay under each of those questions (though you’re welcome to), just tell me your story. Tell me what makes your life worth living each and every day. I hope you’ll all do my little interview. I’m looking forward to your answers…
Please? I’ll be your best friend… 😉