Tag: Break-Ups

I Wish I Could Write Lyrics

~ riggledo ~ Leave a comment

Remember when I said all anybody sings about is how happy they are to be in love???

Today on the way to work Adelle came on my iPod in the car!  Where was she two months ago?

Here’s another song that sums things up pretty perfectly…

“Set Fire To The Rain”
By. Adelle

I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, they’re strong
But my knees were far too weak,
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet

But there’s a side to you
That I never knew, never knew.
All the things you’d say
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.

[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

When I lay with you
I could stay there
Close my eyes
Feel you here forever
You and me together
Nothing gets better

‘Cause there’s a side to you
That I never knew, never knew,
All the things you’d say,
They were never true, never true,
And the games you’d play
You would always win, always win.

[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
When it fell, something died
‘Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time!

Sometimes I wake up by the door,
That heart you caught must be waiting for you
Even now when we’re already over
I can’t help myself from looking for you.

[Chorus:]
I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain,
And I threw us into the flames
When it fell, something died
‘Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time, ohhhh!

Oh noooo
Let it burn, oh
Let it burn
Let it burn

In A Vague Attempt at Normalcy

~ riggledo ~ Leave a comment

It’s not a new feature on this blog for me to share too much information, and in that vein, I’ll tell you that this was originally written in a “note” on my iPhone, while sitting on my toilet at home and feeling sorry for myself…   It was originally written on September 16th and to be honest, I’m surprised to realize it’s only been that long.  The days just drag on and on and I feel like it’s been an eternity since my entire life was turned on its ear and EVERYTHING FELL APART….  In truth it’s only been about two months.

Anyway, one of the many things that is broken inside of me is the fact that I felt like I couldn’t move ahead (in the blog I mean) until this got posted, I just never got around to posting it.  So…  Here it is.  (Try not to picture me while I was writing this.  It’s not a pretty picture.)

 

—–

I’m beside myself. I don’t even know how to act anymore. I don’t want to believe the things I’ve been thinking but I’m having a hard time denying it.

I saw The Guy on Saturday at a coworkers house-warming party. I wasn’t sure he would be there because he didn’t RSVP on the e-vite and I found myself hoping he would not be. I heard his laugh as soon as the elevator door opened. Over all the other voices. Over the music. Through the closed door and around two corners I heard his laugh. A sound that used to amuse me and make me happy. This time I cringed.

When I entered the party I saw a sea of strange faces and The Guy and his boss. Who was I going to talk to? How was I going to make myself feel comfortable there?

Through a set of circumstances beyond my control I ended up trapped in a corner with The Guy and his boss. She’s the only other person in the office that knows his sexual orientation. She doesn’t know about us, but she knows he’s attracted to me.

Despite a very specific conversation about him not “toying with my feelings” another instance of him not understanding a very plainly spoken statement from me, he shamelessly flirted with and came onto me. Nothing has changed about his desire NOT to be in a relationship with me, yet he was very sexually charged and aggressive that night. It was clear he was making me uncomfortable but he just kept at it, suggesting that it was the alcohol that made him act that way. The problem is, alcohol only brings out what’s already there.

I finished my one glass of wine, excused myself to the restroom and then said my goodbyes to the hostess and left.   I had planned on only staying a short time to begin with. Michelle’s mother’s 70th birthday party was the same night and I’d already had more social time than I could tolerate at that point. But after 15 minutes with The Guy, I had to get out.

We haven’t exchanged two non-work related words since then and it’s killing me. I want him to acknowledge what an ass hole he was. I want him to apologize. I want him to be the one to bring it up.

I want him to tell me he’s completely changed, that he wants to be with me, and only me. (And of course for him to actually mean it.)

I thought maybe his silence was an indication of how embarrassed and ashamed he feels, then this morning I got a text from him after I laughed at something my cubicle neighbor had said to me. The text said, “I love to hear you laugh here.”

I mean, has he not given the situation another thought?  Does he just not care?  Am I actually right and he’s just been toying with me from the very beginning? Have I really been THAT MUCH of a fool???

I want to not care about any of it. I told him I gave up. He didn’t ask what it meant but I have given up on everything: him, us, me, being happy…  Life. But if I’m giving up, then I really should stop obsessing about him and what he’s thinking.

I don’t know how to do any of this. I don’t know how to be a couple. I don’t know how to be a broken up couple. I don’t know how to be friends. I don’t known how to be office acquaintances who don’t care anymore than that about each other. (He seems to have that one down pat.)

I just feel paranoid. And ANnoid and angry and sad and desperate for something to change. I hate this. I should NEVER have allowed this to happen.

—–

We have had a few brief conversations since the events described, which actually happened a full month earlier, but by now it has become abundantly clear that he wants nothing more to do with me.  This is mostly fine, because, really, I don’t want to have anything more to do with him either.  Except, it’s not fine, because we still work 15 feet away from each other in an environment that is very conducive to social interaction and absolutely NOT conducive to concentrating…  Particularly if you have ADD.  And he’s still the center of the social circle here.  I hear him talking to other people all day long.  I hear him laughing and joking and having a, ahem– gay ol’ time (while be completely fake) and acting as if all is right in his world and I just feel like I’m falling deeper and deeper into a pit.

Are You Happy Now?

~ riggledo ~ 1 Comment

I’ve always liked this song, but I guess I never really paid close enough attention to the lyrics before.  It played on my iPhone the other day and I’ve been listening to it on a loop off and on since then.  I’m not sure if it makes me feel better or worse, or if it reminds me of what I lost, or that I didn’t lose anything.  Maybe I’m even lucky….  after a fashion… not to have ended up entangled with such an emotional cripple.

I really don’t know what to believe.  I do not want to believe that he was playing me the entire time.  I don’t want to think he could be that cruel.  And maybe he wasn’t being cruel.  Maybe he really is just that oblivious to how things work in the real world.  Maybe I am.  I don’t know.  I just know that he told me so many conflicting things that I can’t trust anything he says anymore.  I just know that he told me enough of the right things to think we were nearly on the same page, and in truth he wasn’t even reading the book.  I just know that I went from falling in love, to being incredibly angry and feeling just a bit of hatred toward him.

And then this song came along, and I thought….  “Yeah!  That!”

“Are You Happy Now?”
by. Michelle Branch
Now, don’t just walk away
Pretending everything’s ok
And you don’t care about me
And I know it’s just no use
When all your lies become your truths and I don’t care… yeah, yeah, yeah

Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now, ohhh, ohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?

You took all there was to take,
And left me with an empty plate
And you don’t care about it, yeah.
And I am givin’ up this game
I’m leaving you with all the blame cause I don’t care, yeah, yeah yeah,

Could you look me in the eye?
And tell me that you’re happy now, oohh oohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now? yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you really have everything you want?
You can’t ever give somethin’ you ain’t got
You can’t run away from yourself

Could you look me in the eye?
and tell me that you’re happy now, yeah, yeah
come on, tell it to my face or have i been replaced,
are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
are you happy now?

Would you look me in the eye?
Could you look me in the eye?
I’ve had all that I can take
I’m not about to break
Cause I’m happy now, ohhh, ohhh
Are you happy now?

 

Those two lines are struck through because they don’t ring true.  I am broken and I’m not happy.  I really don’t think I’ll ever be happy again.  I’m sorry.  Not again.  I’ve never really been happy.  I thought I was getting there for a minute, but as it turns out, I was completely wrong and only deluding myself.  But the things I’ve learned about myself, and about my disease, and about life, these last few months…  I really don’t think I’ll ever be happy.  It’s chemically, biologically impossible.

Anyway, I know it’s been a while since I posted anything here, so in case you were worried, don’t be, I’m not dead…  not yet.

A Lack of Self-Respect

~ riggledo ~ 1 Comment

I’m hard pressed to understand why it is that I can’t seem to muster up any more self-respect than this.  Why would an otherwise intelligent man continually subject himself to the whims of a person who doesn’t value him?  How long does he go on making excuses for someone who doesn’t communicate?  Who toys with his emotions and shows no more concern for his well-being than to completely ignore him all week-end and then offer up some mostly useless excuse for why?

Anyone with a modicum of self-respect would have washed his hands of this a long time ago!  So why can’t I? 

I doubt myself.  That’s the only answer I can come up with.  I doubt my worth.  I doubt my judgment.  I doubt my sense.  Because what if I’m wrong, and this guy is the guy that I’m meant to be with and I’m just dealing with some incredibly painful, seemingly interminable growing pains at the start?  Twenty years from now, will I be looking back at this time and appreciating the struggle we had to go through to spend the rest of our lives together?

I doubt it.  I think it’s far more likely that 20 years from now I’ll be looking back on this time and kicking myself for not washing my hands of the whole thing faster.  Probably from my deathbed, where no one will be there to hold my hand and see me off.

Most of the time I feel like he’s toying with me.  He doesn’t want me.  But he doesn’t want to let me go either.  He likes having me hanging on and when it seems like I’m about to let go, he throws me another bone.  It’s cruel really.  We have these deep emotional conversations and I think yes!  Finally we’re getting somewhere! But then his behavior doesn’t change.  He still doesn’t respond to his text messages in a timely manner.  He still ignores the ones that make him uncomfortable.  And he still offers up worthless explanations.

He has all the control.  I’m not sure if he realizes it or not.  He might.  He might be doing it on purpose.  Or he might have no idea. 

But in my own sickness, I’m afraid to hurt him, so I don’t say anything, and I continue to just hide in the corner and wait for his next scrap of affection knowing it will never be enough.

Crushed

~ riggledo ~ Leave a comment

“What are you doing, showing off in that dress?”

The office is so small, and so open that there is no chance that I won’t hear the conversations of other’s as they take place. This time around it was The Guy talking to his manager who was, apparently wearing a very flattering dress that showed off her figure… I guess. I don’t pay attention to such things…

The thing is, he used to make those comments to me.

“Don’t be walkin’ around in here, showing of that ass!”, he would text me. I didn’t really know what he meant. I have, all along, used my anti-decision making, decision-making tactic (or ADMDMT) of picking the next pair of work-worthy pants out of the drawer and then finding the first shirt on the closet rail that went with the pants I was wearing. As it happens, I have lost about 65 pounds from my heaviest weight and some of my clothes fit better than others. He liked the view of them all…. I liked to wear my smaller sizes, because they fit better and make me feel better about myself, actually fitting into them despite their significantly smaller sizes. I admit to you, the reader, that I wear those clothes proudly and with confidence – Not because I am “showing off” for The Guy, but because I am happy to be thinner and in better shape. And yes, I was aware that some of the articles would elicit… Well illicit comments, from The Guy. But I never at any point picked clothing, based on how I thought The Guy would respond to it. I still wear the larger sizes too, I don’t have enough of any one size clothing to call it a “wardrobe” so I cycle through them. As it happened, the “fat clothes” came back around in the cycle, right about the same time that The Guy, broke my heart. He has interpreted that as some sort of “keep your hands off” message from me, when in fact it’s just “what was next in line”.

This time, the comment wasn’t aimed at me.

“Just ignore me,” I texted him, “because I’m sure I’m being unreasonable, but that ‘don’t be showing off…’ comment to (his boss’s name) just now, kinda bugs me…”

He replied “Well… She’s showing off her body today just like you used to do…”

Used to do…

“Yeah. That’s why it bother’s me.” I answered. Using the same “complimentary” terminology, with someone else, feels decidedly (to me) like having been forgotten or ignored. It certainly makes me doubt his sincerity toward me.

“I see the statements as very different. We had a physical connection / attraction. I complimented her… Very Different.”

had a physical connection

“That’s a big part of why this was a bad idea in the first place,” I told him. “Sooner or later, probably sooner, your interests will move elsewhere and I’m not going to enjoy watching / listening to it happening.”

“I don’t think I’ll be engaging in amorous activity anytime soon. I mean, I’d do you. And I’d do (senior boss’s name), just ’cause it’s cool to hook-up with the big boss… but now I wouldn’t do you because I know it makes you and me crazy.”

Seeing as how he never “did me” in the first place, I’m not sure where this conclusion of “makes [us] crazy” comes from.

I was already struggling with some jealousy just watching his interactions with people, before the poop hit the fan. Now that it has, I’m really not happy to hear him using the same lines on other people that he did on me… It cheapens whatever it was that we had.

I began to think better of the whole conversation and told him, “You’re probably taking this all wrong and feel like you need to modify your behavior to ‘protect’ me. That wasn’t my point at all.”

“No, I’m acting the way I alway have… I am an extrovert and I compliment folks, not with intentions to sleep with them, but because I like to see their faces light up when I say something flattering or nice to them.”

And the fact that he’s using the same terminology and tone that he used with me, the person he made a choice to reject out of hand, is, apparently, completely unimportant…