Once again, I’ve been sitting on a “post” that I wrote weeks ago and e-mailed to myself but never posted. And once again, I feel like I can’t move forward until it’s been posted. Some of what’s here is no longer relevant. That will be explained eventually. Meanwhile, I must get this posted so that I can move forward… somehow.
This was originally written on October 2, 2013.
The noise and the supply of bullshit seem to be unending. It’s abundantly clear, now, that The Guy doesn’t care about me in the least. I shouldn’t be surprised. I shouldn’t even be hurt by it. But I am. He fed me this bullshit song and dance about talking to people about the disruption, but he remains just as guilty as the rest, and just as guilty as he’s always been. Seems like utter hypocrisy to me. He, the one person I’ve spoken to at length about this problem, doesn’t care to be cognizant of his contribution. So why would he believe anyone else would.
He just walked by my desk and said good morning. Why? What’s the point? He doesn’t talk to me at all, except to say hi and bye. Sure it’s polite, but we are past polite. I can’t stand the sound of his voice. The sound of his laugh. I hate seeing him. I wish I could get out of here and NEVER COME BACK. I can’t wait for that day.
Only it has to be under my own steam. There’s no way I can survive being unemployed again now. It’s just not possible. Yet, my boss is threatening to fire me, when you boil it down, because I’m depressed. She says I’m being unkind to people, but she can’t give me an example of it. All she says is that it’s “a tone”, it’s “intangible”, but “it has to stop.” I really do not know what she’s talking about, as I have made a concerted effort to be as neutral as I can manage with people. I’m not happy and I don’t have the power within me to pretend to be. Of course it’s not OK to be rude to people and it’s not my intent to be, but if I’m doing something wrong, I don’t know it, thus, the reason I need specific examples. (Meanwhile, I’ve actually received several complements from my customers recently, telling me what a great job I’m doing and how invaluable I am to the organization.)
A big part, maybe the biggest part, of why I’m unhappy, depressed now, is because of him. He is directly responsible for breaking me. I’m not saying I don’t have any responsibility for my circumstances, of course I do, but he was reckless and irresponsible and he toyed with me and my emotions. He created this situation and I’m the one left to deal with the aftermath. I’m trying to do just that, I’m trying to deal with my issues. I’m doing the best I can. But these things take time and my boss is not interested. And now she wants to extend my probation, like that helps anything. We’re never going to see eye to eye. We’re never going to agree on how things should work. We’re never going to agree on what “this industry” is like, or what “good customer service” looks like.
It’s just hopeless.
I NEED TO GET OUT!
On Friday, October 18, 2013, five and one half months into my six months probation, I was informed that I was “a square peg trying to fit into a round hole”, (that’s an actual quote), and that I was being “released during probation”, which pretty much means they can terminate my employment without notice, without warning, and, apparently, without any documentation of a problem.
The meeting with my boss and the HR representative (someone I had spoken to multiple times about the issues I was having with my boss and my concerns for my well-being, and who never once offered any sort of supportive or encouraging advice) took place at 3:30 that Friday afternoon. Just half an hour before everyone was to meet up at a local brewery for happy hour to celebrate The Guy’s birthday. Two separate calendar invitations were sent out about the happy hour and two separate calendar invitations were declined by me. I’m sure he didn’t expect me to attend, but I can’t help but imagine that some people were surprised I wasn’t there and must’ve asked about me. Either way, I know that my boss sent out a terse e-mail the following Monday morning informing the entire staff that I was not longer working there and to come to her with any outstanding or new requests.
I’ve never seen or heard from The Guy since that day. I can’t say I’m surprised. I can’t imagine what his response was to the news. Probably relief, though he’d act like he was sad for anyone who’s paying attention. I can’t imagine he acknowledges any sort of responsibility on the subject, even though he does hold some. It’s just as well really. I don’t know what I would have said or done if he had contact me. I need to wash my hands of him, and this is the only way to do it, but it still makes me a bit angry.
(Ironically, as a direct result of conversations that took place around the difficulties at work, I’m taking an “anger management” class right now. That’s a whole post in itself and I’ll discuss it further later, but one of the concepts in this class is that “anger isn’t real”. They suggest that anger is just a mask for pain whether it’s physical or emotional. That said, I wonder why I would be hurt that someone I don’t want to have anything further to do with wouldn’t bother to check on me after finding out I had been let go?)
Regardless, I am out of that situation, away from him, never have to see or speak to him again. I can start to “wash that man right out of my hai–” oh. Well, you get the idea. (I wonder if anyone will understand that reference without clicking the link.) I no longer have to deal with the stress of a job that was never right for me in the first place. I don’t have to deal with a boss who is chaotic and disorganized and disrespectful, and sexist. I don’t have to deal with the film of grit and filth that was a permanent fixture on my beautiful new car, from the asphalt plant or sand factory, both of which were on the other side of the fence from the parking lot.
All of these are good things. Nevertheless, I am still unemployed, living in one of the most expensive parts of the country, with a brand new car (and payment, gas and insurance to go with it) and not nearly the resources I had the last time this happened. If I don’t figure something out pretty damn quickly, I’m going to have to make some drastic and very unpleasant changes, I’m just not sure I can face.
Anyway, my first priority these days is earning money and finding a new full time job, but I think about this space often. Maybe now that I’ve gotten the last of these written-elsewhere-and-emailed-for-later-posting posts posted, I can come back here more frequently, even if it’s just to post short updates on the current goings on in my life… like this:
First day with full-time glasses.