Progress

July 3, 2009April 8, 2010 ~ riggledo ~ 2 Comments

This is the end of my second full day in Tulsa, caring for my mother after her triple bypass surgery. As I haven’t gone to sleep yet, I consider this to still be Friday (past midnight makes it really Saturday, but who am I to heed details?) As I’m still considering this to be Friday, it has been one week since my mother’s surgery and her progress in that time is simply amazing! Miraculous even; that’s truly what it is, a miracle.

Last Friday, my mother was taken early in the day for an angioplasty that revealed one artery 100% blocked, one that was 95% blocked and a third that was substantially blocked though no one seems to remember the percentage. We now know that my mother was having a heart attack, which she believed to be severe acid reflux, for four days. Over and over again medical personnel at the hospital told my mother it’s amazing that she even survived the attack.

I’ll go into more detail (maybe) at another time about my mother’s belief in “faith healing” and where we do and don’t agree, and how her opinion has been affected by this experience, but the bottom line is, she admits that this experience was the result of her not listening to her body (and the holy spirit) telling her to make changes and that while this was a terrible thing to have happen to her, she is doing as well as she is and feeling as well as she does because she has faith. I can go along with that.

I left San Francisco International Airport at 7:30 PDT on Wednesday morning, arriving in Salt Lake City a little after 10:00 Mountain Time. My flight out of Salt Lake was schedule for 1:35 Mountain time but after being pushed back to 2:10 we actually departed at roughly 1:55. We landed at Tulsa International at a few minutes after 5:00 PM and I called my mother while the plane was taxiing to the gate. She was just about to leave the hospital and told me that my friend Heather, who was picking me up and I should just come straight to her house instead of going by the hospital.

I wasn’t entirely prepared for what I’d find, but in a lot of ways it was better than what I suspected. She looked old and pale and tired, all of which I’m sure is to be expected. She was sitting in a straight backed chair and didn’t seem to be moving much but she insisted she wasn’t in a lot of pain. I don’t suppose she is in too much pain as she only takes half of a 7.5 mg hydrocodone pill every 4-5 hours. When I spoke to her during my layover in Salt Lake City, she told me that she gets tired really fast and that I’ll probably have to help her walk everywhere for the first little while. By the time I arrived at her house she was able to stand up from the chair on her own and walk into her bedroom to use the restroom without assistance.

Thursday, she was able to dress her self, put on a little make-up and fix her hair, and I drove her to her office where she is the sole employee (Office manager, shipping and receiving clerk, and generally personal assistant) to a Gospel Singer and his wife. Their office is just one of many in the building and the receptionist at the front office was unable to contain her absolute shock to see my mother not only out of the hospital but up and walking around under her own steam.

In her position with the ministry my mother is a signatory on the checking account and she needed to write her self a paycheck. Twelve years she’s been in this position and it still amuses me that she writes the check to herself signs it with her own name and then endorses the back of the check to deposit in her bank account.

We left her office, went by her bank to deposit the check via a drive up teller window, dropped one piece of mail at a drive up mail box and then went to the grocery store where, according to my mother, “Kevin forced me to ride around in one of those motorized carts. You know the ones that beep when you back up, as if I weren’t enough of a spectacle already?” The truth is she was pretty tired when we went in, but she needed to be there with me, and by the time we left she was feeling more energized.

I took her home and while I cooked dinner, Salmon and Asparagus with a salad, she rested.

Today, I drove her to her doctors office to have some blood drawn and tested, and then to pick up a new trial pair of contacts and then took her to the nail salon to get a “buff and polish”. She missed her regular appointment last week and just needed a little something to tide her over till next week-end… apparently. I brought her back home and while I cooked dinner, she pretended to do a crossword puzzle, while in reality she was in and out of sleep. She was ready to go to bed at 6:30, but she knew if she did she’d wake up in the middle of the night and be up for the duration so it was my job to keep her up. I kept her up till bout 8:30 when I presented her evening medications and helped her into her bedroom. She was out cold by 9:00.

It’s hard to see her like this. She has bruises all up and down both arms from all the IVs and things, a massive bruise and much smaller than I expected incision on her left leg near her knee from where they extracted the veins they used for her bypass, and naturally, a long incision down the middle of her chest with bruising and redness all around it.

On the other hand, no one expected her to be this mobile and strong this soon and that’s good to see.

Everyone at the hospital told her she was lucky to have the surgeon she did. He was apparently the best and his technique is different (better) than any of the others at that hospital. This surgeon doesn’t use a bypass machine. Somehow he manages to do the surgery without stopping the patient’s heart, which was good to hear because it was one of the things I had been concerned about. He also doesn’t use staples to close the incision as most surgeons do. He uses traditional sutures and does such a tight job that until I asked about it, I thought what I was seeing was dried blood at the point of incision and that she didn’t have anything holding the skin closed. She’s told that due to his technique and handiwork she will have little or no scar on her chest!

Some of the things I had hoped for and mentioned here seem to be quite out of the question. I suppose it was a bit of a pipe dream anyway, but I had hoped for her condition to be bad enough that she might be open to some conversation that we can’t otherwise have. She’s much stronger than I expected and all in all she’s actually doing really well emotionally, which also means that she hasn’t changed much in her outlook, I don’t think.

Perhaps I’m not giving her enough credit, though. I walked into her house (where we were not alone together) wearing a pair of shorts and a short sleeved t-shirt, meaning all three of my tattoos were fully visible. I forgot until later that I was wearing my earrings. I was very up front with her and said, “Let’s get this out of the way while there are lots of people around. You didn’t know about this but…” and I held out my arm and pointed at the superman logo in flames tattoo that is there and then at the black panther crawling up the outside of my lower left leg. She saw the tribal design on the back of my neck as I turned around and walked away. She made a comment (in a light-hearted tone) about how silly and ugly tattoos are and why would anyone do that to themselves. But outside of asking me politely what made me decide to get them, and later what was on my leg (she hadn’t had glasses on to see it clearly) she hasn’t said much of anything and hasn’t been terribly negative about them. I knew before I got the first one that she wouldn’t like it so I didn’t expect her to be positive, but I’m impressed that she didn’t make a big deal out of it.

As for my earrings, I got my left ear pierced when I was 18, so she already knew about it. She may have just forgotten that I didn’t do them both then, or else she just hasn’t bothered to get riled up about it. That in itself is an improvement on her part.

She talks frequently about God, faith and the Bible and I suppose that’s to be expected. She lives most of her daily life in a circle where that’s the focus. And it’s no that I don’t agree with most of what she says, I just don’t feel the need to talk about it incessantly, and I don’t really know what she expects me to say in return which is why I get uncomfortable when she does it.

When we were making our grocery list yesterday, I wrote down Diet Pepsi, because the plain facts are, I’m an addict and I can’t go two weeks without any. She said, “Yich, I don’t like Diet Pepsi. Especially since they’ve become so vocal about supporting the ‘homosexual agenda’.” That was hard for me to stomach, but I didn’t say anything. There may come a time when it’s right to spring that bit of news on her even if she’s not receptive, but this is not that time. She then said, “I just don’t even like to give them my money. But I will, for you.” Make no mistake. She meant, she’d buy my Diet Pepsi, because she knows it’s the one I prefer, not that she’d give them her money because I am a homosexual. Still I don’t wish to discount the significance of that attitude shift.

For the most part, things have been fine. I’ve been able to express my opinions with a minimal amount of resistance from her and I’m able to listen to her opinions without getting bent out of shape about what she’s saying… So far, she hasn’t said anything particularly derogatory about me, which is either progress, or she just hasn’t gotten around to it yet. I believe I’ll choose to believe its progress until I see otherwise.

The next big test will be how she treats me when my sister or nieces are around. Fortunately, that’s not going to happen this trip.

It’s the end of the second full day. I’m about to turn in for my third night of sleeping in my mother’s house on a borrowed twin sized mattress on the floor. The good news is that it is on the floor and so if I fall off of the mattress I don’t have far to go. Why would I fall off of it you ask? Because, for the last 10 years I have been sleeping on a queen sized mattress with a pillow next to me that I tend to hug when I sleep. I guess I better get used to this. I suspect I’ll have more of the same when I get to New York for my visit with my Sister.

Three weeks on the road, by the time I get back to my own bed, I’ll probably feel like I’m swimming in it… Actually that might be kind of nice!

Strength

June 28, 2009April 8, 2010 ~ riggledo ~ 1 Comment

My mother’s bypass surgery was a success and she was taken to recovery around 7:00 PM Central time on Friday. At some point after that she was taken into ICU where, by policy, she would stay for 48 hours. At 8:30, Mary Ann, the friend that has been by my mother’s side this entire time, was allowed into the ICU to see Mom but she was still on a respirator and highly sedated and was non-responsive to Mary Ann’s presence.

Saturday, was better. My mother came out of the anesthesia and was taken off the ventilator. By the time any of us out of town kids knew what was going on, my mother had been fed and had visitors and was laughing, something that’s hard for me to fathom when you’ve just had your chest split open, but more power to her.

My sister, Erin, only found this out after going nearly the entire day without a word from Mary Ann and finally calling the hospital directly hoping they wouldn’t use HIPAA as grounds not to tell her anything. To the contrary, they filled Erin in on my mother’s condition and then transferred her to a portable phone that they took to my mother and allowed them to speak.

They spoke about my mother’s care in the coming weeks and my mother said that she felt pretty good all in all and didn’t really know that she was going to need help. Erin pointed out that she was probably on some pretty good drugs right now and that while she might feel that way now, she might feel pretty differently when the time comes. They further discussed timing and it was basically established that I will be coming to Tulsa on the July 5^th, and that my sister can’t get there any earlier than July 12^th, and depending on when the doctors want to release my mother from the hospital there may be a gap where there is no one around.

Erin’s family doctor from Oklahoma, told her of another hospital in the area that my mother could be transferred to, in place of being discharged, that is a rehabilitation hospital that is focused on longer term care, as opposed to the hospital she’s in now that will be focused on treating her and discharging her. My mother’s response was “I’m not sure how my insurance is going to feel about that.” This phrase of Momese is roughly translated as, “I don’t want to go to another hospital.” What she doesn’t yet know is that her friends have already spoken with Erin and are ready, willing and able to step in and take care of my mother, 24/7 until I arrive. I suspect that if my mother were aware of this, suddenly the second hospital would start looking much more appealing to her.

As their conversation was ending the staff at the hospital was bringing dinner to my mother who told my sister, “I just finished lunch and now they’re trying to make me eat dinner.” As I would later discover, my mother is medicated enough to not be completely clear of what’s going on around her, and I suspect that “I just finished lunch” is not entirely an accurate statement.

Erin filled me in and I called an hour later. My relationship with my mother isn’t the best, but I love her and I wanted to hear her voice myself, I also thought it would be good for her to hear from me and know that I’m thinking about her… She may not remember.

I called the hospital roughly an hour after Erin did and was told by a not terribly nice nurse that they don’t have phones in the patient rooms in ICU. I told her my sister had just spoken with my mother and she suggested maybe it was on my mother’s cell phone and she offered to give my mother a message that I had called. I knew that not to be the case but I decided to give her a break for the moment. I called my mother’s cell phone, but it went straight to voice mail. I called it three more times with the same result. When I finally called the hospital again, I was told by the same not nice nurse that she had given the message to my mother. I explained that I had called the cell phone several times but that it was going to voicemail. The nurse then put me on hold and after several minutes came back to tell me that my mother didn’t have her cell phone (this does not surprise me as SHE’S IN ICU.) She then told me that if I called back in about half an hour blah, blah, blah, portable phone they could take in to her. Why they couldn’t just do that in the first place I do not know.

Finally, I called back around 8:30 Central time and they put me on the phone with Mom. She sounded good at first. She sounded almost like her normal self. She didn’t sound weak, she didn’t even sound short of breath, though she did say it was hard for her to breath. She said it was difficult for her to get comfortable to sleep (I would imagine so), she had a couple of hiccups in the middle our conversation which I would have expected to cause some kind of wincing but she didn’t seem to react (I don’t know and don’t ever want to find out what it’s like to have your chest cracked open and then put back together again, but I would imagine that everything would hurt after that. She told me that she’d be in the ICU until this afternoon and then she’d be taken to “the next step down in level of care”. In other words, not ICU, but not just a regular room either. Two days after that she’d be taken back to a regular room. I asked her if she knew how long she was expected to be in a regular room and she said, “Well, they’ve told me several times, but I can’t remember.” That’s when I knew that she was more drugged than either she realized or wanted to admit to, one.

She was clearly tired as is completely understandable. One of the common after effects of open heart surgery is low levels of energy, which is why she will need help. She will need help getting in and out of the shower (and probably onto and off of the toilet.) She will need someone to make sure she’s getting the proper amount of exercise and to make sure she doesn’t over do it. She will need someone to make sure she eats well, and not skip meals because she’s too tired to prepare them. She will need someone to make sure she doesn’t fall down and help her up if she does and she will need someone to make sure she takes her medications, something she will be particularly resistant to.

I asked her if she knew when she would have her cell phone readily available again and for a moment she got testy with me, telling me that she didn’t know and she wasn’t worried about that right now. But she very quickly lost steam and reverted to calm and reasonable, telling me that she just needed to get better and be more mobile and then she would worry about things like that. I don’t know if the change in attitude was a lack of energy, or if it was that she realized that her attitude wasn’t appropriate. I let it slide and pointed out that I only asked because it was hard to get ahold of her. I had called three times before the mean ole nurses finally let me talk to her.

(Due to my highly negative opinion and the frequent unkind things I say about my employer, I NEVER say the name of the company I work for, but I will say that it’s a health-care organization – one of the biggest in Northern California – and as such I have some understanding of the staff’s side of the issue. I also have an understanding of the patient’s family’s side of the issue and while I understand where the nurses are coming from they really need to be more sensitive to and understanding of the absent family members needs.)

All in all, my mother seems to be doing well. It would, of course, be better if this hadn’t happened, but she’s coming through it nicely.

Folks, I’m a little embarrassed to admit that this was a great relief and a great disappointment to me.

It is of course too soon to tell just how my mother is going to handle the reality of her situation when she’s out of the hospital and faced with it. Everyone that we’ve spoken to has said that there’s no reason to think that my mother can’t recover from this and get back to her life. Honestly, it had never crossed my mind that she wouldn’t, but apparently Erin had thought it through and considered that this may mean bringing my mother to New York to live (whether she likes it or not.) I always assumed that she would eventually recover and go back to her life as it relates to job and friends, etc. But I also assumed that for the next month or so she is going to need a lot of time and attention. And it seems apparent that it will probably be me to give it to her. At first, I was dreading this. I do not have a great relationship with my mother and spending this amount of concentrated time with her was terrifying to me. But as I adjusted to the idea, I started to feel a change take hold in me. Some of what I’m about to say may sound harsh, but it is a simple reality.

My mother will not be the one in control or in charge this time around. I am. With this visit, the priority will be for me to take care of her and her needs, for me to make sure that she gets what she needs and does what she must to recover. This visit is all about what she needs and not what she wants. And it is because of this, that I have the power to stand up to her, to take control of the situation, to not have her push the buttons she normally pushes, because I think the buttons are gone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to go there looking to pick a fight. But I am going there with the strength I have needed for some time, to be able to take control of the situation, to tell her when her words, attitude and behavior are not welcome. To stand up for my point of view and establish some new ground rules for our relationship going forward.

Yes, I began to see this as an opportunity and I am even starting to look forward to my trip…

And then I spoke to her yesterday. She sounded better than I thought she would. She sounded more stable and emotionally strong than I thought she would. I admit that part of what I’ve been thinking has relied up on her being weak. I expected her to be emotionally shattered, physically drained and generally dependent on others. Now I’m not so sure. Again, she’s in the hospital. She’s heavily medicated; she’s being catered too and other than the discomfort she must be in and the fact that she hasn’t been home in four days; she probably doesn’t have a grasp of what her real life is like now. Things could change dramatically, but if she’s not as weak and dependent as I expected her to be, this may not be an opportunity after all.

In the end, it doesn’t matter. I’ve found a strength I didn’t know I had. I believe that even if she is the same she’s always been I have the strength to endure it and stand up for myself now. I’m doing what I must. I am doing what is right and I feel good about it.

Heavy

June 23, 2009April 8, 2010 ~ riggledo ~ 6 Comments

Bloggers are, as a collective group, a funny people. I don’t mean that their funny – odd, or funny – abnormal, although admittedly some of them are. No, when I say that bloggers are funny people, I mean they’re funny. Ha ha humorous. I follow the blogs of a number of people who are, simply put, downright, funny people!

My first introduction to blogs was when I found Dad Gone Mad. Danny Evans is a funny man who finds inspiration from all sorts of places: his children, his friends, his community, even people in traffic on the highway. About a year ago, Danny was laid off from his soul sucking corporate job in advertising and it may be the best thing that’s ever happened to him. He took his time off and he wrote a book which will hit the shelves on August 4th. What Danny very rarely did, was write about his job and if he did, he didn’t write about his work woes, he wrote about humorous events, comic moments or his own fictitious fantasies of what could have been.

Through Dad Gone Mad, I learned about Jennsylvania. I’m late to the party on this one for sure. Jenn Lancaster is a funny, funny woman who makes even the most mundane of blog topics (book tour dates and locations, hectic travel, Plaid, THE 80’S) humorous and entertaining. I’m ashamed to admit that at this point I haven’t read any of her books, but they’re on my list and I hope to remedy that soon.

Amy over at Amalah has a humorous writing style that makes even the most exasperating of her situations read with humor and lightness. Amy has some rough situations taking place in her life and while she shares those with her readers with an honesty that is impressive and inspiring, she also manages to add just enough levity to keep them from being too heavy to handle. Also, she has the cutest baby I’ve ever seen and regularly posts pictures of the munchkin.

Another Jenn, otherwise known as The Bloggess writes posts that have absolutely no redeeming value whatsoever and will have you in tears with the laughter and the Ha Ha’s and the “I can’t—No… No more, no more! I’m dying”s. Her seemingly one long run on sentence posts cover the gamut of topics and never fail to entertain. Her regular references to her husband Victor and his reactions to her supposed verbal commentary are priceless. As if this weren’t enough, she now has an “advice column” Ask the Bloggess from which you are sure to pluck enormous laughs and worthless advice that is at once ludicrous and somehow irrefutable. She also writes a “sex column”. Sexis, surprisingly, this link is safe for work, as The Bloggess says, is about as useful as [Insert your own useless sex analogy here], completely safe for work (as safe as anything is with corporate internet and asset use policies these days) and one more way that The Bloggess will bring you to tears with her humor.

One of the most consistently well rounded blogs I’ve read; Dooce offers humorous family anecdotes (especially if you consider your pets to be family), beautiful photography with delightful narratives, graceful elegance of design and a simple openness that tugs at the heartstrings. Heather Armstrong, also with a newly released book, has shared the day to day life of a woman on the go as she traveled the country on a three week book tour while dealing with the complexities (and sometimes complications) of being in her third trimester of pregnancy, the thrills and spills of preparing her home for the arrival of the new baby, and the day to day life of wife and mother of a five year old. Her stories are almost always uplifting and light-hearted and will brighten any day.

Some of the blogs I follow aren’t all about humor. Some of them are about something more. The A Very Public Experiment series on Cry it Out: Memoirs of a stay-at-home dad is an incredibly written memoir of the author’s story, both of his marriage and the birth of his child, and his own childhood and how he got to where he is now. Part 5 of his story moved me in ways I wouldn’t have expected and I look forward to where this experiment will go.

And then there are the topical and inspirational types of blogs. The following are some of the “little people” blogs, written by people I consider to be friends. Most are just pleasant reads. Some are downright inspirational.

Terri’s blog, Terri Terri Quite Contrary is full of lighthearted, real-life fare; stories from her life, about her children, her bowling league and her friends. Terri blogs about her work from time to time, but these are generally happy stories about her workplace full of friends and pleasant coworkers, people who enjoy their jobs and each other. Recent events have caused the tide to turn for her company as a whole and Terri has written of her fears about her company’s future and what it will mean for her. But while the news is not good and her concerns are real and justified, she manages to write her stories with an air of positivity, knowing that whatever happens, she’s got a strong support system on which she can rely. Terri’s writing is strong, her photography is beautiful and her blog is always a good read.

Recently, I had some questions on a matter I suspected Terri would be particularly knowledgeable about, so I took a chance and sent Terri an e-mail, myself a complete stranger. Having never interacted with Terri more than to leave a comment or two here and there on her blog, I didn’t know what to expect. I thought she might ignore me, or toss a couple minimally helpful URLs my way and tell me to leave her alone. Not only did she respond but she responded within 45 minutes of my e-mail and with a page and a half worth of wonderful insight and valuable information.

Stacy at I Eat Snowman Poop writes a whimsical blog that often reads as her side of an ongoing conversation between me and she. There’s humor, there’s anger, there’s adventure. Her blog is real and I appreciate that.

Wendy’s Building or Burning Bridges in the Community is an eclectic mix of personal life stories, current pop cultural events and LGBT activism. Wendy’s recent posts about the uncertainty about her family’s future and ultimately their cross country move to Pennsylvania (the mover’s arrived with all their stuff today) for her wife to take a new job, has mirrored, to some extent, some of my own personal mullings. Wendy has been a kind friend and her blog has been a pleasure to read.

And then there’s Anita. Her Grace Unfolding ministry and accompanying blog, primarily directed toward Christian Lesbian’s, has nonetheless been a valuable resource to me in the recent past as I continue my struggle to reach some form of peace of mind about my life and my place in the world as a Christian and a homosexual. Anita has written some really amazing and inspirational posts and just when I think maybe I’m in the wrong place, she somehow manages to write just the thing I needed to read and reminds me that there’s a place for everyone, in her ministry and blog and in this world.

Why am I telling you all this? Why am I writing about these other blogs and not focusing on my own? Well, I don’t think there’s an easy answer to that. You see, as usual, I’m not quite content – I was going to say I’m not quite content with my blog, but the truth is, it’s so much more than that. I’m not content with my life and it is ultimately, my life from which my stories must come.

I want to write a blog that appeals to people and so I want to be funny, or inspirational, or funny, or helpful in some way… Or funny. Sometimes I think I pull that off. Other times I reach so far into myself trying to find the funny and the ha ha’s to offer and there are none to be had. More often than not, I’m afraid. Mostly, I just want to write a blog that I would enjoy reading if I weren’t the one writing it and I’m not always sure I pull that off.

I have a bad habit of looking at things for their outcome, I want to know when I start, what the end result will be. Since I have not yet developed the ability to fold the fabric of space and time and see how things will turn out, I’m painfully aware that I can’t actually know these things.

When I started blogging a year ago, I went into it with the desire to be the next Danny Evans, Jenn Lancaster, Amalah, or Heather Armstrong. Here is a list of things those people have and I do not. This is by no means a comprehensive list:

1. Families

2. Books that are, or are just about to be, published

3. Money (to some extent, more than I have)

4. Friends

5. Outgoing personalities

6. Fun

7. Self Confidence (or an innate ability to fake it.)

8. Blogging/Writing as a full time job

9. Perspective

I guess what I’m getting at is that I have gone into this blogging (particularly with Riggledo) with the idea that my blog must be light and fluffy, funny and/or insightful and when it isn’t light and fluffy it must then be poignant. I’m not sure people enjoy poignant. Regardless, I find it difficult to write when I’m not feeling light and fluffy and funny—or rather I find it hard to write what I think I should be writing.

This blogging thing is starting to feel like one more example, of which there are many, where I try to fit myself into a community that isn’t really mine. I’m a square peg, trying to fit in a round hole, an apple trying to mix in with a bag of oranges, a fly in a beehive – I can’t make honey. I don’t feel like I’m being rejected, but sometimes, not being welcomed is just as bad.

I’m losing my grasp on this line of thinking…

In recent days, things have been so heavy in my real life that I have felt like, if I wrote anything, it would have to be heavy. And so here we are, at the end of another long-winded post, 1772 words and counting, and I’m not sure what of value I’ve had to say.

Hey, if you’re still reading this, good on ya! And go check out some of those blogs I mentioned above. They’re good. You’ll like them.

I’m out.

Credit Where Credit Is Due

June 18, 2009April 8, 2010 ~ riggledo ~ Leave a comment

Standing in the kitchen last night, waiting for the water to boil for my soon-to-be-steamed zucchini slices I was rehashing the previous night’s conversation with my mother when I realized that there was something positive to be found in the experience. I believe it’s important to give credit where credit is due so let me take moment now to do that.

You see, I realized, that as frustrating as this conversation was for me, it was an improvement. I have to give myself credit. In the past, I would have sat quietly and made affirmative sounds and gestures, nodding my head as though I agreed. I would have lied. Not because I like to lie. Not because I’m a dishonest person, but because without putting a lot of thought into it I would have instinctively taken the path of least resistance. I would have felt that the only way through this was to go along and let her say her piece and then move on as quickly as possible. I would have allowed her to come away from the interaction with the assumption that I agreed with everything she said. Bush, Good. Comedians, Bad. Obama, Crazy. Me Tarzan, you Mom.

I’m in a very tight spot here. It’s true that the completely honest thing would have been to tell her that no, I don’t agree that George W Bush was a good President. Yes, he may be a “Christian”, but I think “good man of God” is taking things way too far. And, not only do I not think Obama is “crazy”, but I do believe he’s doing a good job; and, though, it may be too soon to really say, he may well be the best president of my lifetime, thus far.

I give myself credit, though, for not falling into the old default of, “Yes, Mother. No, Mother. You’re absolutely right, Mother.” My silence was apparently deafening.

I give her credit, too. I give her credit for recognizing my silence and for recognizing it for what it meant. I give her credit for realizing that perhaps I am not in agreement with her and her fanatical politics.

I’d like to give her more credit, but how can I when she followed-up her acknowledgment with this:

“You may not agree with me, I don’t know, but if you’ve gone that far a field, I just don’t even want to know about it.”

That is pretty much what it boils down to, isn’t it. She can’t accept that there’s any other possible perspective besides her own and if I so completely disagree with her, I must be wrong and shameful and unacceptable and she doesn’t want to know.

I hung up the phone after that conversation and for the first time in my life, I thought, “That woman is crazy!” I don’t mean that she’s crazy in the “we don’t see eye to eye” sense. “Crazy ole mom!” I mean, that woman is crazy! And now it has me thinking: Why am I so affected by her? Why does her opinion matter so much to me? Why is it so important to me, to feel like she accepts me and my life? Why does it crush me so for her to speak to me with disdain and shame and judgment in her voice? Why do I take such extreme measures to try and avoid any opportunity for disagreement with her, even at the cost of not being truly open and honest? Why am I so afraid to hear the things I already know she would say? And why am I allowing this person, this person who clearly is no authority on anything, to prevent me from living my life fully with confidence and courage and satisfaction? Why?

My mother raised me, along with my older brother and sister, essentially on her own. She was the only present parent I had. Yes, my father is alive and I always knew him but he was never a stable part of my life and to give him any credit as a parent, as a force for good in my upbringing, I feel is to give him more credit than he is due. My parents separated when I was two years old and I don’t know any other arrangement than this. My mother was both parents to me.

My mother was also no parent at all. She provided the absolute bare necessities of my existence. A roof over my head, lights to read by, water to bath in and meals that may or may not have been palatable but were sufficiently nutrionally complete. She did not provide emotional support and encouragement. She did not provide a safe loving environment in which it was possible to make mistakes and learn from them, to have wants and desires that couldn’t always be fulfilled and understand the reasons why, to grow and learn and become a whole and complete being, independent and apart from her.

I didn’t know better. I didn’t know what I didn’t have and what I ought to have been able to rely on. I didn’t learn the kind of strength and acceptance that a person needs to be a strong and independent adult.

Despite all the things I didn’t have, despite all that I didn’t know I was lacking, she was all I knew, all I had to base my existence upon. And so as a child it was imperative that I got approval and affirmation from her, and I would do and say whatever it took to get it, even if it wasn’t really what I felt. Growing up, with this being all I had to go on, it makes sense that what she thought, how she acted and treated me mattered and affected me deeply.

But then I grew up. I became an adult. I moved away and became independent and separate from her and yet, when I speak to her all that falls away and I’m that child who is affected by her behavior and her tone and it hurts me and I don’t know why.

Ironically, a moment ago, the song “That Ain’t Love” by REO Speedwagon came on my iPhone. At first I didn’t particularly notice, and then the line “That ain’t love, at least it doesn’t feel like love to me” penetrated my senses and broke my concentration. I looked up the lyrics on line. The song, of course, is about a broken romantic relationship, but reading the lyrics, all but a handful of them seemed remarkably applicable. Take a look:

That Ain’t Love

by REO Speedwagon

You tell me what you think I’m feelin’, you know why I do what I do
Why should you listen to a word I’m sayin’, when it’s already so clear to you
You tell me ’bout my bad intentions, you doubt the very things I hold true
I can no longer live with your misconceptions, [Mother] all I can say to you, is

That ain’t love, I believe you’ve got the wrong emotion
That ain’t love, at least it doesn’t feel like love to me
As long as I say what you wanna hear
Do what you wanna do, be who you want me to be
You think that’s love, well [Mother] that ain’t love to me

We’ve got to talk it over sometime, these feelings won’t just disappear
I’m just gonna keep telling you what’s on my mind
Even if it’s not what you wanna hear
Oooh right now your world and mine are such different places
Through yours I wander lost and confused
And I feel like I’m speaking in a different language
And the only words I haven’t used, are

I honestly thought that in writing this, maybe I could find some answers to those “why” questions. I guess to some extent I have. I also hoped to find an answer to how to deal with it, how to move past it. On that front, at least, it seems I was wrong… for now.

In Which I Learn, Again, To Keep My Mouth Shut

June 17, 2009January 28, 2011 ~ riggledo ~ 2 Comments

Last night, I had my second therapy session since my prodigal return. It’s frustrating to me that even after two and a half years of weekly sessions, I still find it awkward and uncomfortable at the beginning of these appointments. I generally experience quite a bit of anxiety on the day of the session, leading up to my appointment as I feel some unexplained (and I’m sure unwarranted) pressure to “do it right”.

As I sat in the waiting room outside Deb’s office yesterday I began to go over the list in my head. The one where I run through the things that are on my mind. The things that I have been thinking a lot about. The things that… Well, the things that are things, not feelings. Even after two and a half years of weekly sessions I still find it difficult to identify, and be comfortable with many of my feelings and emotions.

Yesterday, I forgot most of the day that I even had a session. I mean I didn’t forget. I knew I had to leave work early. I knew I was going to the appointment. I didn’t forget to go. But I didn’t think about it all day. I didn’t dwell on it. I didn’t worry about it… Until I was driving there.

When my time had come and she opened the door, I walked in, hurled myself upon the couch and let out a long, exasperated sigh. I told her exactly what I just told you, that I had managed to avoid the anxiety, until this moment. She asked me what it was about and I said that I never knew how to start things off.

“I think you just did,” she said.

I told her, “Now I’m just running through the list of things I shouldn’t say. Including that I shouldn’t say that there’s a list of things I shouldn’t say.”

“Things you ‘shouldn’t’ say? Why?” she asked.

“Because, it’s reporting.”

Apparently, when in therapy, reporting on your life is not “doin’ it right”. They want to know what and how you feel. When I don’t know the answer to that, or don’t know where to start with that, it’s easier to fill the silence with reporting on what’s been going on. Filling the silence, also not necessarily “doin’ it right”. The silence, though, is unbearable to me.

I know I tend to make assumptions or read into what she tells me but she has said in the past that it sounds like I’m “reporting” to her and how did I feel about… whatever I was talking about. I guess I gathered from that, that reporting is not good.

“Well, it’s been a little while, maybe you should tell me what’s been going on,” she said.

So I started to run down the list (I didn’t get very far.) I told her where things stand with my quest to go to college (pretty much no progress has been made) and how happy I was, when I got my high school transcript to see that it had my ACT scores on it so I didn’t have to figure out where to track them down.

And then I told her about my birthday gift from my mother and how it had gotten lost in transit and the cell phone conversation that took place on Friday.

My mother was very testy with me on the phone and was noticeably annoyed by the fact that I was apparently not giving her my undivided attention. I suspect she was also annoyed that I did not answer the phone when she called. She didn’t have it in her to understand and accept that I didn’t answer the phone because I was in a noisy place where she wouldn’t be able to hear me, nor I her. She didn’t seem to understand and accept the fact that I called her back as soon as I left that noisy place but that it meant I was driving and yes, I had to split my attention between her and the road.

I flashed on a memory of my childhood. I was having my 10^th birthday and was spending the summer at my father’s house. My mother, brother and sister and I had just moved to Oklahoma the year before and we were to spend our summers with my father, his wife and her two sons, at his house in Ohio. We had just finished dinner and were starting to eat my birthday cake when my mother called to talk to me.

I was ten and there was cake.

I sat at the table, eating my cake and talking to my mother. Around me the rest of the group were continuing their conversations and having a good time. Finally Mom commented that it sure was noisy and asked what was going on. I told her that we were having cake and somehow conveyed that I was still sitting at the table eating my piece. She said, “What? You couldn’t be bothered to get up from the table to talk to your mother?”

Let me reiterate people, I was ten and there was cake!

Nonetheless, I understood I had apparently done wrong and said that I would go into another room, to which she replied, “Don’t bother. Just put your brother on the phone.”

I remember this event so clearly, and I “learned” from it that you’re supposed to give your undivided attention when you’re on the phone, especially to my mother. Folks remember that. If you’re ever on the phone with my mother, PAY ATTENTION!!

But here’s the thing that Deb helped me to see. On both occasions, it was my birthday. If ever there is a time all year long that “it’s all about me”? It’s on your birthday. Your birthday is the one day each year when you have every right to be selfish and make everything about yourself. My mother called me on my birthday and when I didn’t drop everything and focus all my attention on her, I was in trouble.

I realized that this is always true. It doesn’t matter what day it is or what the circumstances are, IT’S. ALL. ABOUT. HER.

Now for the irony.

When I arrived home last night, my mysteriously disappearing birthday FedEx package was at my door. It had a new shipping label that they had created on it. Obviously, it turned up somewhere and they reshipped it four days late.

I called Mom to tell her the package had arrived and wouldn’t you know it. I got her voice mail. It’s not the first time. She uses her cell phone exclusively and if she sets it down in another room she doesn’t always hear it ring. No big deal. I left my message and went on about my day.

Forty-five minutes later she called me back. I was in the middle of preparing food for today and instinctively, I felt the need to explain the noise. I also held off cooking dinner while I was on the phone and as a result I didn’t eat dinner until nearly 10:00 last night.

In the middle of the conversation she told me that her TV was dying. I’m not surprised, she bought this TV in 1988, but what occurred to me after the fact was that the TV was on, while she was talking to me. Apparently, undivided attention is not a two way street.

Toward the end of our conversation I asked her if she still watches David Letterman. I wanted to know if she knew what the big deal was bout the joke he made about Sarah Palin’s daughter. I wanted to know how seriously his job was in jeopardy over this. I should have known better.

She launched into an emphatic diatribe about how hateful all the late night comics had become and how she just couldn’t stand to listen to them any more since George W. Bush was in office and they were always picking on him. “George W Bush is a good Christian man and a great President and I just couldn’t stand to listen to them say hateful things about him.” I bit my tongue.

Then she said, “Barack Obama is just crazy.” She told me that in one of his books he said, ‘when it comes down to it, I’ll side with the Muslims every time.’

I couldn’t make out what she said and asked her who he said he’d side with and she replied, “The Muslims. You know the ones who want to kill us? He’s crazy. Anybody that wants to shut down Guantanamo Bay and turn those guys loose on American soil, is crazy.”

Now, I don’t agree with my mother on a lot of things politically related, but I also know that one of the stupidest things you can do is get into an involved political discussion with someone you’re close to and you don’t know that they agree with you, so I keep my mouth shut about my politics.

I kept my mouth shut as she went on about how “wonderful” George W Bush is and how “terrible” Barack Obama is and then she said this:

“You may not agree with me, I don’t know, but if you’ve gone that far a field, I just don’t even want to know about it.” (Imagine, if she doesn’t want to know about my politics, how she must feel about my sexuality!)

It was pretty clear, I think, from my lack of response that I did not agree with her, and things got crunchy and the conversation ended quickly after that.

I don’t know. Maybe it just sounds like I’m ranting. Like I’m just one more person who doesn’t get along with his mother and boo hoo, poor me. Get over it! But it just really served to remind me of just how… incompatible (?) we are? That doesn’t really seem like the right word; we’re not dating.

But that’s kind of what it comes down to. How can we have a relationship if it’s all one sided? I can’t really talk to her because it’s always about making sure that her needs are met. Meanwhile, mine fall by the wayside, as they always have. My whole life it’s been this way. My needs, my feelings, they all take a back seat to hers. I learned from a very young age not to express any thoughts, needs or feelings that conflict with hers. And by rote, I learned to subvert my thoughts, needs and feelings to anyone and everyone particularly those in some sort of authority over me. The worst part is I think I do it to those who do not have authority over me. I hate to think that’s true, but it probably is.

So what is the answer? How do you stand up for yourself and your own needs without disrespecting the needs of others? It doesn’t seem like it should be that hard and yet, it feels like it’s nearly impossible. In my experience at least, being direct and assertive makes people angry and defensive. Being passive/aggressive, well it makes people angry and defensive, and it breeds the same. Trying to express your needs in a light hearted and joking way, gets you over-looked.

I continue to hold out hope for a better tomorrow. I continue to desire a life wherein I have close friends and family who like each other and get along well and interact peacefully, but truthfully with each other. I continue to hope for a life where my needs are met and I’m able to meet the needs of others and it all works out for a greater purpose. Is this possible? Am I hoping for something that I can never have? What is the answer?