Twice actually…

Driving home from work tonight I had my recent blog posts in mind and was debating back and forth between whether or not I would use my Wii Fit tonight.  I knew I should.  I know that it is important to get exercise every day.  I know that it’s on the days that you least want to exercise that you probably need to do it the most.  I also know that you need rest days along the way.

For a moment I imagined myself as the Personal Trainer I hope to be one day, and what I might say to my clients when they decide they don’t really “feel like” doing the work.

WARNING: Now entering the TMI portion of the evening!

So I was sitting on the toilet for my post work poo, reading my Twitter feed on my iPhone and thinking about ordering pizza for dinner, when it suddenly dawned on me that I needed to take a shower.  I had taken one last night after using my Wii Fit and I did not take one this morning because I was short on time and knew I’d taken one last night.  Realizing I needed to take a shower I took off my clothes while I continued reviewing my twitter friends tweets.

Suddenly, the thought crossed my mind, “I really should at least do the Body Test.  If I don’t do the Body Test that annoying little animated balance board, with her “oh!” when I step on, will gripe at me and judge me the next time I do use it.  I should go ahead and do that part and keep her happy.”  And then for the briefest of moments I thought, “If I’m going to go to all that trouble, I might as well just do some of the exercises.”  And then, almost immediately, “Nah.  I’m tired and hungry.  I’ll just do the body test, order the pizza and take my shower.”

So I finished…  what I was doing and I made my way to the living room where I pulled the Wii Fit Balance Board out from under the TV stand and initiated the process to do the body test; turned on the TV, changed the input source to where the Wii was plugged in, turned on the Wii, turned on the balance board, etc., etc. etc.

I did the body test, and the results were slightly higher in Weight and BMI (and Wii Fit Age) than they were the last two days. I was disappointed, of course. And then I thought, “Well, I’ve already got the thing set up.  I guess I could just do a half hour of Aerobic exercises to burn some calories… I guess I could cook a piece of Salmon instead of ordering pizza…”

I ended up doing 46 minutes on the Wii Fit. So, I got snookered twice.  Not only did I use the Wii Fit to exercise, when what I really wanted was to sit down and vegetate, but I used it for 16 minutes longer than I intended to and ate a freakin’ healthy dinner.

So, you know, thanks Wii Fit!  I owe you one!

1. Throw away all the junk lying around my apartment and thoroughly clean.
2. Sleep at least 8 hours but not more than 10 hours each night (I’m running on a major deficit this week).
3. Solve world hunger.
4. Catch up with all the regular TV shows and clear them from my DVR (mabye one or two of the movies that are in there, too).
5. At least 30 minutes on the Wii Fit everyday (preferably more).
6. Plan meals for the week, grocery shop and pre-prepare as many as I can before Sunday night.
7. Cure Cancer.
8. Go for at least one short run (probably won’t happen, don’t have needed equipment yet) (And yes there is equipment needed for running besides your feet.)
9. Fix the economy and end our budget deficit.
10. Read a lot (I have tons of stuff I need to read and haven’t.)
11. Research education funding options.

I would like to say that I’m going to accomplish most of these things but most likely  won’t get much past sleeping, grocery shopping and TV watching.  But you just never know.

How about you?  What are you hoping to accomplish this weekend?

I’m fat.  If you don’t believe me you should take a look at this:

I’ve always been fat, but I’m fatter now than I’ve ever been.  I’ve also always been in denial on the subject.  It’s kind of astounding to think, but I look in the mirror and what I see looking back at me is not what everyone else sees when they look at me.

I’m not deluded enough to think I look like this: 

But I don’t see the person in that first picture, either.  I’ve always wanted to look like the second picture and in my delusional state I have always said, “One of these days…” But “one of these days” has never come.   I think there are a number of reasons for this, but two of them have recently begun to come to light.

One reason that “one of these days” has never come is really quite simple.  I don’t know what I’m doing. I do not know proper form and function for exercising.   I do not know how to tell if I’m actually getting results or not.  And it’s not fast and I’m impatient, so even when I do make an effort to exercise (yes, it has happened.)  I get discouraged and I give up.  It’s a huge excuse.  I know this.  It is, however, no less true.

There is a bigger, deeper reason for this.  I’ve never been a truly happy person.  Yes I’ve struggled with depression and that’s not exactly an issue now, but there is a vast wasteland between happy and depressed and I frequently take up residence in that wasteland.  I don’t love and value myself as a person.  I don’t feel worthy of having more, being better, being loved.  I don’t deserve to be thin and fit and beautiful.  I don’t deserve love.

I never specifically told myself those things; I don’t think I needed to.   Instead I made excuses and talked about “someday” and told myself that I was just not meant to be thin and fit and beautiful.

The example that was set for me wasn’t any better.  My mother has lived her entire life as a fat person.  She spent my entire life sighing heavily and talking about, “I need to get this weight off” while cramming crap down her throat.

I remember a time when I was about 12 years old when my mother had been talking about needing to lose weight, needing to start a diet.  And then she said she wanted ice cream.  I remember asking her if she needed the ice cream, not because I was being unkind or obnoxious, but because she had been talking about weight loss.  Her response to me was, “Oh honey.  One ice cream cone isn’t going to kill me.”

She was right!  One ice cream cone wasn’t going to kill her.  The one she’d had the day before wasn’t going to kill her.  The one the day before that wasn’t going to kill her.  The one she would have the next day wouldn’t kill her either.  I’ve thought of this many times as I’ve struggled myself to find something to eat that is both satisfying and nutritionally beneficial before ultimately giving in and selecting the proverbial ice cream cone because “this one time isn’t going to kill me.”  Come to think of it, that sounds like something an addict would say.  “This one time isn’t going to be a problem.”  Interesting.

Anyway, growing up in a conservative Christian family where I was taught from a very young age that homosexuality was a sin and that a homosexual can not be a Christian and go to heaven, all the while struggling with the idea that that was just what I was, I think I developed an unconscious strategy to ensure that I would never have to deal with it.  I think that by becoming the embodiment of what I am not attracted to, in my mind, ensured I wouldn’t ever be found attractive and therefore wouldn’t ever have to deal with the potential of a homosexual relationship and what it would mean for me, for my relationship with my family and my spiritual survival.  If I’m fat, no one will want me and I’ll never have to worry about accepting the physical advances of another man, certainly not one I would want to be with.

It’s funny how we can talk ourselves into and out of things.  I’ve never been happy being fat.  I’ve never been happy being out of shape and yet, I’ve never wanted to put in the work to change that.  I’ve never felt motivated to change it.  My thinking went something like this:

“Nobody is going to want to be with me because I’m fat.  Nobody wants me so why bother getting thin.  If someone wanted me I might make an effort to lose weight.  But since no one wants me, why bother?”

Hmmm… This whole thing was much better thought out before I started writing, but here’s the bottom line:

My whole life, my weight has been a defense mechanism.  Being fat has been my excuse for not having acquaintances, friends and lovers.  Not having acquaintances, friends and lovers has been my excuse for being fat.

The things I do that make me fat have been comforting for me and protect me from the rejection I always feel certain I will experience in my life.  Why put myself in a position to be rejected by people I might like to get to know when I can sit at home and watch TV and drink wine and eat.

While it’s true that I find these emotional roadblocks to exist it is also true that I do not know what to do to undo the damage.   I do not know how to exercise.  I do not know how to plan properly nutritious meals.  Even when I think I am eating healthy I often end up gaining weight.  When I try to learn more from magazine articles and on-line resources, I feel confused and as if  I’m reading something that was written for someone who already knows.  And so, I am contemplating a huge change.

If I can scrounge up the money in time, this June I will begin an on-line training program.  And in roughly a year, I will take the test to become an ACE Certified Personal Trainer.  I’d like to go on to study nutrition and become a registered dietitian or nutritionist with the end goal of becoming an ACE Certified Lifestyle and Weight Management Consultant.

For a long time now, I’ve felt a drive to do something with my life that helps other people.  I want a profession that will allow me to make a real difference, have a noticeable effect on people’s lives.  I believe this is a way in which I can do that.  I believe there are many people out there, just like me who do not know how to make this change in their lives.  I believe there are people who would like to be different if they could just figure out how to make it  happen.  I believe I can be a person who can give them the help they need, while offering understanding and emotional support.

It’s a scary proposition to be sure.  This is a complete and utter change in my life and my lifestyle but I feel good about it.  It’s the first thing I’ve felt good about in a long time.  Wish me luck!

————————————————————————————————————————–

I wrote this post yesterday, but I didn’t publish it because no sooner had I finished it than I felt self-conscious bout making these claims.  If I tell you fine people I’m going to make this change and I don’t follow through, I look bad.  And if I tell you fine people I’m going to make this change there’s that much more pressure to follow through and if I do follow through and fail, I look bad.

Then I realized this is a part of the “I am not worthy of…” mentality that I’ve had for so long.  I’m not worthy of feeling like I’ve accomplished something.  I’m not worthy of making a positive change in my life.  You know what?  I AM worthy.  I may have to remind myself every day for a long time to come, but I AM worthy.

I also realized, I may not ultimately be able to do this for a living.  It may not work out.  But at least I can give it a shot and the absolute worst thing that can happen, is I learn something for myself, that I wanted to know anyway and make my life a little bit better because of it.

Do I want to take these courses and get certified?  Yes.  Would I like to change career paths and make a living helping other people overcome the things that I, myself, need to over-come?  Absolutely!

So instead of worrying and fretting over whether I can do it successfully, I’m going to just focus on the first step of gathering the funds and signing up for the course.  I’ll worry about the next step, when the next step has to be taken.

Now if you’ll excuse me, my Wii Fit is calling my name!

I dream of a day when every day will look like this.  Better yet, I dream of day when this will be a slow day!

“That’s what J.J. had in mind when he made the movie,” K told me.  We’d just finished discussing whether her husband would enjoy the new Star Trek movie.  He was never a fan of Star Trek and didn’t watch any of the series and upon hearing that, I said, “Well then he’ll probably love it.”

I wanted to love it.  I really did.  I was a big fan of Star Trek growing up.  I wasn’t a freak about it.  I went to one, I repeat one Star Trek Convention and it was enough to tell me that I never wanted to go to another one.  Star Trek fans are freaks, pure and simple.

But I liked the shows of my generation.  The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager. But after Voyager, after Gene Roddenberry died and the production staff stopped adhering to his philosophy things started to change.

On December 19th, I wrote a blog entry on an old blog of mine about this phenomenon:

Lwaxana Troi died yesterday.

Majel Barrett who played Lwaxana Troi, on Star Trek: The Next Generation (ST: TNG),  died yesterday at the age of 76, from Leukemia.  If you care, and you want to read up on it, I’m sure you can find any number of stories about her and about her death (not to mention her life) on the internet today.  But what really bothers me, aside from the obvious sadness that goes with any loss of human life, is what this means for Star Trek.

The wife of Gene Roddenberry, who created Star Trek, Barrettt is one of the few actors who has been in every version of Star Trek ever to exist.  Most notably, she has provided the voice of the Federation Computer systems in every show (except Enterprise – I think) since the first Star Trek movie.  She is a Star Trek icon and things will never be the same.

I remember being a young boy in the ’80s, lying on my mother’s bed on Saturday afternoons, watching the original Star Trek series.  I remember thinking that this show must have been on forever.  I knew it wasn’t a current production but I honestly didn’t know the history behind it.  I didn’t know that the show was only on for three seasons.  I didn’t know that NBC canceled it after the first season and that it was brought back, only because of the outpouring of viewer objection and a letter writing campaign.  I just knew it was a fun show to watch and I liked Captain Kirk.  It’s funny how things change because in later years while watching The Next Generation, I remember reflecting on the original series as not being that great and thinking that the acting and the stories were lame and not liking Captain Kirk all that much.  For years, I have reflected on the original series as being hokey, and William Shatner as being a ridiculous caricature of a man.  His speech patterns and over-acting leave a lot to be desired, even now.  As Denny Crane on Boston Legal, he could only be laughed at for being such a buffoon.  But not long ago I watched a few digitized episodes of Star Trek:  The Original Series (ST: TOS), on HD Net.  I was quite surprised to see that I actually found Captain Kirk quite attractive, in his youth.

I have loved Star Trek for as long as I can remember.  Even when I did not like it, I loved it.

After those original series episodes became harder to find, I forgot, to some extent that Star Trek existed, outside of the movies and then one day my family was visiting another family and the kids were watching this new Star Trek series, “Star Trek: The Next Generation“.  I was roughly 12 years old and I thought it was really dumb.  More importantly, I thought it would never work, “There can’t be a Klingon on a Starfleet ship” we said.  And honestly, if you watch that first season or two, you’ll see that it was pretty hokey.  But then the show caught on and, I’m sure, got more money and it started really improving until it became one of my favorites and a can’t miss show.

About five years in, a new series was introduced, Star Trek: Deep Space 9 (ST: DS9).  Being the natural born skeptic that I am I had a hard time imagining how a show about a space station could fit the Star Trek mold, but they made it work and ST: DS9 was another favorite, not to be missed show.  When ST: TNG went off the air two seasons later, I was disappointed.  It was, and remains to be, my personal favorite incarnation of the Star Trek Universe.  My disappointment that the show was ending, as All Good Things… must, was tempered only by the immediate announcement that there would be a ST: TNG movie coming out the following year.

ST: TNG ended in May, 1994 and in January, 1995 the third, and to date, final “Next Generation” series, Star Trek: Voyager (ST: V) premiered.  Again, I was skeptical.  The ship was flung to the far side of the galaxy which means, none of the usual alien species would appear.  The hoke potential was considerably higher as a result, however, it turned out to be really well done.  This series debuted at a time in my life when things were really rough and I was very unhappy in my circumstances.  ST: V provided me with just a little taste of what “normal” was like for me, a taste of my life before I moved to Dead Beat Dad’s house and before my fiancé cheated on, and then broke up with me.  ST: DS9 ended in 1999 and then ST: V ended in May, 2001.

When I heard that there would be a new Star Trek series in September 2001, I was happy.  As far as I was concerned (and still am) there should always be a Star Trek series in production.  And then I heard that Enterprise (later known as Star Trek: Enterprise) (ST: E) was going to be a prequel.  That it was going to take place before the time of ST: TOS and I was really disappointed.  ST: TOS was created in the 1960s and the technology was far inferior to what we have today.  I felt that taking us back in time was a bad idea.  After we became accustomed to all the “modern technology” of that futuristic existence, how could they expect us to be interested in a show with switches and dials (instead of the touch screens of the TNG era) and how could they expect us to believe a “prehistoric” iteration of the show if it used the touch screen technology to which we were accustomed.  But it was a Star Trek series and of course I watched it.

I found ST: E disappointing.  They made some valiant attempts to keep the fans engaged.  The set designs and the technology of the times were actually successful, in my mind, though not as interesting because they weren’t so advanced as the serieses (seri?) that took place a couple hundred years later.  The show was fine for what it was, but it wasn’t a great Star Trek series.  Eventually, there was another television show that I wanted to watch that was opposite ST: E and I chose the other show.   (I wasn’t a proud owner of a TiVo or DVR yet.)

Enterprise ended in May, 2005 and for the first time in 18 years there would be no new Star Trek on television.  That is a void which still has yet to be filled in my heart.  Heroes makes an effort.  It’s an excellent SciFi show (though it’s quality is waning) and they keep bringing in actors from the Star Trek Universe (although it’s been original series actors only until this weeks episode with Michael Dorn) but it is no substitute.

Recently I re-watched Enterprise on HD Net.  I had the opportunity to watch the entire series from beginning to end and was surprised to find that I liked it quite a bit.  I don’t know if I was just nostalgic for the good ole days of yore, of if the show really was that good and I just didn’t see it then, but I found the show very interesting and compelling and the two characters that once annoyed me, Hoshi and T’Pol, were now far more intriguing and appealing.  Of course with my new found certainty in my sexuality, I wasn’t afraid to admit that Trip (Conner Trinneer) was pretty fine to look at, as well.

The death of Majel Barrett, to me, solidifies the end of an era.  The Star Trek Universe has been slowly imploding ever since the 1991 death of creator Gene Roddenberry, when Rick Berman took over as head Trekker.  Don’t get me wrong.  I have loved the vast majority of the Star Trek Universe, but I have noticed on several occasions that Berman has not held true to Roddenberry’s concept.

It seems to me that Gene Roddenberry envisioned a show that would parallel the real world…the times we lived in, but with an optimistic, positive spin.  The Original Series so closely represented our nation in the time of the cold war, while simultaneously offering hope of a brighter tomorrow.  In my opinion, Star Trek was about hope, and faith, and peace.  Captain Kirk was a very physical man and often came to fisticuffs with the alien species du jur, but he was never the aggressor.  Violence was never the solution, it was the last resort.  Before Star Trek: Generations was released in theaters there was much discussion of the different temperaments between Captain Kirk and Captain Piccard.  Some speculation suggested there would be a physical altercation between the two men and whether Captain Piccard, he of the peaceful nature, could hold his own against, Captain Kirk.  In the end I think we saw that when pushed, Captain Piccard can hold his own against a good number of people.  But first and foremost these were both peaceful men.

Gene Roddenberry once stated that all the aliens in the Star Trek universe would be humanoid, bi-peds.  Of course, this was at least in part due to technological constraints regarding special effects.  In the 1960s it would have been much more difficult and much more costly, not to have the aliens played by actors in costumes and make-up and certainly in the 1990s and 2000s sufficient advancements had been made to make it possible for producers of the shows to use CGI technology to include other types of aliens besides humanoid bi-peds.  Nonetheless, Gene Roddenberry, made the declaration that aliens in the Star Trek universe would always be bi-pedal, humanoids.  So when, in ST: V they introduced “Species 8472″, I was bothered by the disregard for his preference.  Fortunately, Species 8472 had very few appearances on this show and therefore didn’t impact the entire thing.

Star Trek:  Enterprise, started out innocuously enough.  It was “just another” Star Trek series and I enjoyed it for what it was, but many viewers lost interest fairly quickly, and by the end of the second season, there was talk of cancellation.  I guess Paramount, who owns the Star Trek Franchise, and UPN, the now defunct network that aired it, wanted to give it one more shot.  The final episode of the second season, starts with an alien probe dropping out of subspace in orbit of earth and firing on the planet cutting a swath from Florida to Venezuela and in the process killing seven million humans, among them the younger sister of Commander Charles (Trip) Tucker , Chief Engineer.

In that moment the entire series changed and grew dark.  The ship and her crew were no longer on a mission of exploration and diplomacy.  They were out to find the bastards who attacked earth and stop them before they returned.

The weapon that had fired on earth was but a test, and the next one, would destroy the planet.  The race responsible for the attack was called the Xindi (pronounced ZEN-dee) and they were made up of five species.  Three of those species were traditional, bi-pedal, humanoids.  Two of them were not.  The Aquatics and the Insectoids were CGI and made semi-regular appearances on the show. For me, this detracted greatly as it seemed a blatant slap in the face of Gene Roddenberry’s original intent.

Star Trek:  Enterprise also had very little to offer in the way of positivity and optimism.  Captain Archer became dark and volatile after the attack on Earth (not that I don’t think that a reasonable response.)  As I’m writing this I’m realizing that the story then more closely paralleled our times with the attacks of September 11, 2001, and our desire to see the attackers brought to justice, but where the original series paralleled something that was an on-going (I imagine, though I’m too young to know) threat with no real result, September 11th was a very real attack, with real destruction and real death, and in my opinion, it was very uncomfortable to watch this sort of parallelism.

With the exception of the occasional nod in the TNG films, the other TNG series, DS9 and Voyager, were not deemed film worthy.  Yes, The Doctor from ST: V makes an appearance in Star Trek:  First Contact, and a post-Voyager “Admiral” Janeway, gives Captain Piccard his marching orders in Star Trek: Nemesis, but beyond that those other series might well have never existed as far as the Star Trek Film culture is concerned.

The presumed final Next Generation feature film, Star Trek: Nemesis came out in December, 2002 and while this film included, what appeared to be a lot of finality:  Will and Deana finally got married; Will finally accepted a promotion and his own command, leaving the USS Enterprise; and of course the sacrificial death of Lt. Commander Data, we are left slightly hopeful by the idea that Data’s predecessor, the “cleverly” named B-4, shows signs of being able to learn and make use of Data’s downloaded memory engrams.

Six years later, I’m less hopeful of an additional installment.

There is another Star Trek movie on the horizon, and while it doesn’t go back as far in history as Star Trek:  Enterprise did, it is still what you’d call a prequel and I’m not really sure why we’re doing it.  This movie will be about James Kirk and his crew in their younger, academy or possibly immediately post-academy days.  I watched a trailer for it the other day and I must say that, as an incarnation of Star Trek, I’m not impressed.  It’s dark and ominous and it doesn’t visually fit the Star Trek motif.  And with the comparatively dismal performance of the last attempt at a prequel, I’m really not sure what we’re hoping for here.  Are they expecting a resurgence of interest with the hopes of starting a whole new theatrical franchise or are they trying to squeeze one final drop of monetary blood out of a dying targ?  If this film flops will this be the end of the Star Trek legacy?  And if it doesn’t flop, then what?

It’s a Star Trek movie, and I will go see it, but a part of me can’t help wondering, shouldn’t we leave well enough alone?  If it must eventually end, and it must eventually end, can’t we let it end with dignity?  Do we have to squeeze and squeeze until we’ve gotten all the quality material out and then keep squeezing to get all the junk out too?  Might we be better off leaving well enough alone?

Earlier this year, Star Trek: The Experience, an all Star Trek themed exhibit at the Las Vegas Hilton ended its nearly eleven year run, an event which made me very sad at it’s closing and, simultaneously happy that I got the opportunity to see it myself.

I was never particularly fond of Lwaxana Troi, and I don’t know anything of Majel Barrett besides her Star Trek work.  As for the computer, she was just the voice and of course that’s easily explained away, if not merely replicated.  And yet some how, I have been truly moved by this.  I’m surprised by how sad this makes me, but it does.

With Gene Roddenberry’s death in 1991 the helm changed hands and things started changing.  Today with the announcement of the death of Majel Barrett, I just feel like, on some level, Star Trek has died with her.  Gene Roddenberry is gone.  Scotty is dead.  Dr. McCoy is dead.  William Shatner doesn’t want to play anymore.  Data is dead.  Will and Deana have jumped ship, so to speak.  Star Trek:  The Experience is gone.  And now, the voice of the computer is gone as well.

Lwaxana Troi died yesterday.  And, I think maybe, Star Trek died too.

I saw the movie this weekend and my thoughts are conflicted on the subject.  This version of Star Trek, on it’s own merits, was a decent science fiction action adventure movie.  The script had some troubled spots.  Eric Bana as the villain, Nero, was thoroughly unimpressive and his characters motivation throughout the film was not especially believable. Chris Pine’s portrayal of James Kirk comes off more as someone who accidentally saved the day and not a born hero destined for greatness.   His place as captain feels more like an error in judgment soon to be regretted than a natural fit.  Winona Ryder as Spock’s human mother, Amanda Grayson, is simply not believable.  Winona Ryder is not old enough to be Zachary Quinto’s mother and certainly not old enough to be Spock’s mother.  This was casting that I simply could not accept or ignore.  I could say more but with the movie in only it’s 4th day of release I would not want to be responsible for spoiling the plot for anyone who has not yet seen it.

More importantly to me, as an unabashed trekkie, this film ruined everything that is good about Star Trek.  It changes history and nullifies everything that Star Trek has been for 22 years.

K told me that JJ Abrams set out to make a Star Trek movie for the non-trekkie.  If that’s what he wanted he should have made a movie about an original, never before seen set of characters.  He should not have been allowed to make a movie that effectively destroys everything that is known and loved by existing Star Trek fans the world over.

Shame on you JJ Abrams!  And shame on you Paramount for allowing such a thing to happen.