Results Not Typical

I was checking my Hotmail earlier today and I looked at the top of the screen at the ad that was there.

This is what I saw:

Results Not Typical

“Results not typical” it says.

Well, isn’t it convenient that Marie’s results just happened to come out the way they hoped they would.  Because I’m certain that they put her through the same paces that Betty Lou Boyd in Boise goes through as she attempts to do this program all on her own.  I’m certain that Marie Osmond didn’t have any special guidance or assistance of any kind while she was on the program.  And I’m sure the photo used for this ad wasn’t doctored in any way shape or form.

Obviously, certain people are born to be stars, and if you can’t identify them any other way, just get ‘em fat and then put ‘em on a commercial weight loss program and see how they do.  If their results are “not typical” then sure enough they were born to be a star.

I know I’m cynical, but come on!  Marie didn’t lose 40 pounds all by her lonesome, simply by following the NutriSystem program without any guidance or extra hand holding.  She probably had (or has) a personal trainer to put her through the paces on the exercise side of things.  And by it’s very nature, she didn’t learn anything from NutriSystem while in the process.  Sure she got her food preordained, possibly even blessed by Joseph Smith himself.  And yes, she probably took note of the fact that the portion sizes were smaller than what she was accustomed too.  She might even have noticed that exercise (if she didn’t get it already) helped speed things along.  But did anyone actually teach her how to keep the momentum going after she got off the preordained, prepackaged, presumably preservative laden meals?  Was there any emphasis on why these items were better and how she could stick to it after she was finished?

The reason why the vast majority of weight loss programs ultimately fail (Kirsty Alley) is because people deprive themselves of their favorite items, their comfort foods, having been told “Starch bad – protein good.”  But nobody taught them what that means or how they can incorporate both into their lives and live a healthy life style.  So they follow the “simple” plan that the weight loss guru du jour laid out for them and one of two things happen.  Either they burn out early and give up before reaching their goal (that’s me) or they reach their goal maintain it for a little while and then slowly start creeping back up to their original weight (anyone seen Oprah lately?  God love her!)

Just once, I’d like to see an ad like the one above where the person is still puffy, but not as big as the used to be and the ad says, “I’ve lost 20 pounds of the 60 I’m shooting for and it’s only taken me 4 months to do it!  This program is slow as hell and it drives me crazy but I’m learning and it’s getting easier….  Results completely typical”

Is that really so much to ask?

Move It or Put a House Number On It

Driving to work this morning, running late (as usual) and I get stuck behind this:  Red Mustang
being driven by him:  Old man.

I’m driving to work.  So I’m fairly certain it’s not Sunday, but don’t tell that to Gramps there ’cause he and the missus were our for that kinda drive.

For a moment, (I had plenty of them to choose from driving behind this guy) I imagined the day he bought this car.

He hobbles up to the vehicle on the lot, a look of loving desire in his eyes, and maybe just a hint of a tent in his pants and reaches out his lone free, gnarled hand (the one not steadying him by holding on to the cane for dear life) to touch this thing of beauty.

A salesman walks up.  We’re not sure if the look on his face is lasciviousness savoring the moment he’s going to take the old man for 15% more than the asking price; or if it’s resentment, angry at this old coot for taking up his time when surely he wasn’t going to buy such a beautiful specimen of a sports car.  “She’s a beaut, isn’t she?!” the salesman says, “Would you like to take her for a test drive?”

The old man just shakes his head and smiles.  “No thanks, son.  I’ve already made up my mind.  I’ve been waiting 50 years to own me a mustang, and now I can afford it.  This is the one I want, right here.  I’ll take ‘er.”

The salesman is a little surprised now but happy to oblige.  “Well yes sir.  Why don’t we step inside and get the paperwork started.  While you’re doing that, I’ll take your new car and get it detailed and fill up the tank and then you’ll be on your way!”

That salesman did the little old man and me and the world a disservice because let’s face it!  If you’re too timid to even drive THE SPEED LIMIT, then you have no business driving a Mustang!

Germy Germison

My good friend Michelle is a borderline neurotic germaphobe.  She carries Ass Gaskets (toilet seat liners) in her purse.   Despite this, in public bathrooms, she still hovers to pee, uses her foot to flush, dispenses the paper towel before she washes her hands and uses the paper towel to turn off the faucets and open the bathroom doors.  When her now nearly (GASP!) 16 year old nephew was a little boy, she passed this crazy on to him (possibly not the hovering part).

It goes without saying that I give her a never ending rash of shit over this obsessive compulsive behavior.  She responds that people are gross (granted) and that it’s unhealthy not to do these things.  I remind her that if these things were true we wouldn’t be here now.  I’m pretty sure cavemen didn’t have Ass Gaskets.  The prairie dwelling farmers of the 18th century had no running water or disinfecting hand soap.  Hell, Purell hand sanitizer, in which she should own stock, didn’t even exist until the last decade or so.

Don’t get me wrong.  I agree it’s important to take precautions and I never, EVER, leave the bathroom without at least running some water over my hands, (to quote Boston Legal’s Allen Shore , “I keep a very clean penis.”) but I do think it’s possible to go overboard and she has certainly done that.

Today, while sitting in the stall in the office mensroom I was reminded of all this when, while taking care of my own business, I listened as no fewer than three “Gentlemen” came into the bathroom, took care of their business, and left again with nary a drop of water spilled in the basin.  This is particularly disturbing to me because I work for a health care organization (don’t worry, no medical personnel here).  However, it got me thinking, if germs were so rampant, there’d be no hope for us in my office because clearly there are germs being spread like crazy.

I thought about this… I thought about it a lot…  I thought about it while I was washing my hands (three times)… And while I was using the automatic feature to dispense a paper towel… And while I used the paper towel to open the door when I left.